Well, it's the classic "male gaze" situation. This stranger has reduced you to being decoration, to be commented upon/given approval. That is objectifying you. I agree with you that he probably meant no harm—meant it as a compliment. Most men are oblivious to this dimension of male/female relations.

Ugh. I sympathize.

I guess I'd add to juliloquy's comment by saying that I feel that "compliments" like these turn the moment into something belonging to the guy. You were in your space, doing your thing. He made you--lovely though you were--the intruder, there on his tolerance.

Yes to this all. I COMPLETELY understand the dynamic and you have captured it perfectly in words juliloquy and mindy.

It bums me out and worries me that great guys like your husband really honestly don't get it. You are educating him, but it reminds me of so many of my great, funny, liberal guy friends who just don't get it, either. It's kind of exhausting -- like, "If these guys I like don't get it, how is this ever going to get better? How are the 'bad ones' ever going to stop when the 'good ones' don't see why it's icky, either?"

Blah. Hate it all. I'll tell women I like their necklace, their bag, their dress, their shoes, etc. But it comes from a place of equality, not a place of ownership, however so slight.

Blah.

Guys are taught a few things growing up. One is, if you want to get with a girl, give her a compliment or at least strike up a conversation (and an honest compliment is sometimes recommended as a good way to break the ice). But that's hardly the only situation in which we'd give compliments.

He doesn't know necessarily what her situation is until he talks to her, right? It's possible other women (or men) get that compliment, and it makes their day, or she thinks he's cute, too, or she just decides, "hey, if I look this good without even trying, I might really be beautiful when I actually bother to put on makeup and whatnot" and that makes her feel extra beautiful, or it could be any reaction -- he doesn't know! He doesn't know where she's coming from, what she'd expect in that situation, let alone how she'd react. All he knows is, he think she's beautiful and that he should probably tell her if he thinks so.

He's probably not intentionally asserting any degree of dominance over her space or whatever, at least based on the limited description in the article.

Men do get complimented less often, especially about our looks from strangers. So it's the kind of thing we tell ourselves we'd like to hear sometimes and therefore seems like a nice thing to say to a stranger. And we're sometimes too weird to try saying it to another guy (if we even think that to begin with) unless we can find a very guyish way to say it.

Anyway, this is a complicated topic. It seems, to me, like a lot of women are sensitive to being complimented on their looks from strangers. I see what you're saying about complimenting one's taste. But a lot of guys don't have great taste. We can't relate to women's taste unless we think about it hard enough sometimes or learn (teach ourselves or learn from other guys) how to do so. And the things women would compliment are often things we'd never notice in the first place. We compliment what we notice. Sure, if we saw her shoes were awesome, we'd say something, but we never look at her shoes, on average. We rarely look at her clothes as separate items so much as see her in her general outfit and still focused on her. So, some of this is simply how we see things, faulty or not. Is it the kind of thing where you can work with what we are able to see?

I'm not sure what my point is, but I feel like a lot of women get uncomfortable with this, so whatever limited perspective I can bring from the guy's side, hopefully is helpful. I don't know. Maybe.

It's creepy when a stranger comments on your looks out of the blue. I'm sure the grocery store is safe, but I'd be watching to make sure the guy doesn't follow me on the way out. Some guys act like you should thank them for the compliment, as if you should be grateful. It's like if you're stopped at a traffic light and someone comes up and washes your windows without you asking for it, and then he holds out his hand for a tip. Presumptuous, right?

Aside from the "male gaze" issue, it's just not polite. What sane/sober person starts out a legitimate, polite conversation--with a complete stranger--by blurting out, "Hey, you're beautiful." It puts me on edge because I'm wondering, "Is this person unbalanced that he would completely bypass social norms for polite conversation?" If you want to compliment a woman, just smile and be pleasant to her and don't make her feel like you're trying to see through her shirt.

"Because, it just throws me off. I have to think of exactly the right way to respond. I don't want to act like I'm too into the compliment, and encourage him, but you don't want to be a bitch because then maybe he'll turn on you and say you're a bitch if you're too cold. It's just this weird subtle power play."

You don't HAVE to do anything. You don't have to respond. You have agency. Women spend a great deal of time and energy worrying about how their actions will be perceived by others. Men don't.

That sounds like a really creepy compliment. Like, he's not just noticing that you have good style and going about his day, he's taking the time to look, and keep looking, by talking to you and grinning. He's letting you know that he's checking out your body and your face and that it's turning him on. And by engaging you, he wants to make sure that you know it. I don't understand what purpose he is trying to achieve by doing that. Surely, you don't care about what effect your appearance has on him. He's not hitting on you, etc. So, why do you need to know about his opinion?

The fact that it is, on the surface, a compliment makes it somewhat complicated. But the guy is telling you that some part of him is thinking about having sex with you. That's not information I want as I go about my day. I can see how it's different for men because they aren't always aware of the background possibility of sexual violence. They can probably just take a comment as a compliment and be done with it, but for a woman, there's always the fear, are you the creep who's going to escalate this or not? It's not fun.

Yes. And this is why the death of etiquette is such a bad thing. It wasn't all finger bowls and which fork to use; a lot of it is about how people can coexist without unwittingly offending each other. (Deliberately giving offense is an entirely different problem, of course.)

My dear departed grandmother was a stickler for High WASP manners. And in terms of interacting politely with strangers, it was good stuff. Personal remarks, even favourable, are rude if unsolicited. Ice is broken with strangers by discussing something external to both of you. If you must comment on someone's appearance, the more external and superficial the trait you are praising, the better. (Which is why, for instance, "that colour really suits you" or "I like those earrings" is better than "you're so pretty/slim/otherwise conforming to my standards" which, if vague, is still light years better than "nice boobs.") Also, if you are attuned to this sort of etiquette (which is similar to that of other cultures IME) then you know full well that "oh dear, you look tired" and "you look so much better now that you've lost weight!" are not, in fact, compliments.

This is a situation that frustrates me to no end. While what he said was potentially a nice compliment, it was delivered to someone who wasn't looking for it. These compliments are offered in a way that interrupts our days as though what we are doing is not as important as what this man thinks of our looks -regardless of the fact that we likely do not care one bit what he thinks of us. It would have been far more a compliment if you had smiled at him previously or made a point to have and hold eye contact.

I think what a lot of men do not realize is that women don't always want these "compliments" because even if they are intended as such, they are an interruption in our going about our lives. And, because we often are subjected to harassment of many kinds, even a guy being genuine and nice can put you on edge. Also, like you, I often feel like I "have" to strike the right tone in replying in order to balance all of the things you mentioned.

I read your article and the first interaction like this that came to mind was an elderly man at the train stop demanding that I smile because I was beautiful and how much that creeped me out. Then I thought about it and remembered, one time I was walking down a crowded street surrounded by my friends (girls and guys) and this man came up behind me and grabbed my ass and laughed to all his friends while I screamed. But I would say I was equally disturbed by both scenarios, and both of them happened 2 years ago. So no, you are not being touchy when you are disturbed by interactions like that, they can be just as off-putting and disorienting as actual physical harassment.

I think the biggest problem for me in these situations is that I'm expected to appreciate the unwanted attention that is often an inconvenience to me. Like you said, it's often at times when I want to be inconspicuous and it always has the opposite effect. I've also come to realize that those situations are often not about me at all. It has much more to do with a man's desire to display his own confidence than it has to do with my physical appearance. A trucker honked and waved at me the other day as I walked a dog on the side of the road and after the sea of ick washed over me from the gross feeling of someone's "suggestive" gaze, I laughed. It was just too ridiculous. I wondered if this guy was patting himself on the back for honking at a woman shape on the side of the road. I wondered if he was in the truck nodding to himself and thinking "Wow Randy, you really got yourself some face time with the ladies. Good honkin." I spent a lot of time wondering what he expected me to do in that situation (hop on his truck like a stowaway? scream my phone number? throw my panties at him like he just performed a 90's slow jam??) until I realized that he couldn't have expected me to do anything. That's the thing with these brief encounters in public, they are this weird confidence boost for the speaker and a startling interruption for the "compliment" receiver. The entire situation just creates another person I have to accommodate and there is this weird conflict between my awareness that what was said is meant to be a compliment and my discomfort with any unknown male in a public setting. It's exhausting.

You're not overly sensitive. At best, that guy in the store was unskillful; more likely, he's a creep. If that guy had offered something sincere and respectful like, "Hi, I'm John, and I just wanted to say hi and tell you that you look nice. I hope you have a good day," it would be different. But a "You're beautiful," just dropped out of nowhere from a stranger isn't the same thing. (That's the part that I think guys often see as complicated or confusing, including your husband, but I think the difference between those two statements when set side by side is pretty marked.)

Often those comments like the one you encountered are directed at us gals when we're very casual, or going to work, or (most often in my case) out running -- because the intention behind that kind of "friendly catcall" is really not to compliment us but to catch us off guard (as those are times when it's clear we aren't prepared for that kind of attention) and see what we do. And, as you pointed out, we will likely feel unsettled because we know a guy who will throw those words at us might also throw unkind ones at us a second later or try to put his hands on us or intimidate us by getting in our space if he doesn't like how we react.

Your negative response to the situation wasn't irrational just because it was largely intuitive; that was just instinct summing up a bunch of rational reasons quickly so that you could avoid the potential threat in the moment.

My take on this is that we as women are giving a lot of mixed messages to men. I personally don't like it when guys give random comments about my looks, but I can't take this to mean that all women are like me and should be offended "on behalf of women". However, think of it this way - if a guy was to say it to another guy then my husband assures me it's weird. Even gay guys (apparently) compliment style before physical attributes, so then if feminism is about equality, shouldn't we not be shutting down compliments but instead expanding them so people feel free to give them to everyone? Or am I being too idealistic? Instead of being offended, is it possible that we should own it and normalise it?