Yesterday I received an email offer about a sale on Buddha Pants. These are "The pants that make you dance," the "pant that packs into its own pocket," the pants that come in two unisex sizes. The pants that look like this:

I was enraged and confused when I got this email. How on earth did I get on a list that thinks I'm the kind of person who wears Buddha pants? In what universe am I either a skateboarding girl with pink hair or Justin Bieber? And why do you need pants that tuck into their own pocket anyway? I quickly sent a strongly-worded "unsubscribe" email the moment I received the sale notice.

But by the light of the morning, I realize. Maybe what I was truly sensing was fear. I think, secretly, what I want more than anything this chubby, cold, cranky December is a pair of pants that looks like some bedsheets, and if I put them on, I will never take them off. I must stay vigilant.