Hey! I wrote my first piece for The Awl, about how my dad and I like musicals together.

A.) If you happen to come across a public toilet and upon sitting down, you notice the seat is exceedingly warm, look around.

B.) You may see a control pad.

C.) Look at this control pad. But do not touch.

D.) If you must touch, do not press the button that says "FOR WOMEN".

You still pressed the button, didn't you? That's why you're screaming right now. Well, never fear, there is one more step:

E.) Leave the bathroom and brightly inform a girlfriend (or, preferably, your mother) that she absolutely must go into the bathroom, sit down, look for the button that says "FOR WOMEN" and press it because something funny/awesome will happen.

F.) At least now you're not alone.