The Whole Faux Lesbian Thing is Played

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So apparently Miley Cyrus shocked all of Britain last night when she kissed one of her backup singers during a performance on "Britain's Got Talent."

I am not shocked. I am annoyed. Really, Miley? This is how you show us you're not a little girl anymore, by performing seductively and dabbling in pretend lesbianism? Gee, where have we seen this before.

It's the unoriginality that bugs. That's why I don't mind Lady Gaga so much: while she too has an exhaustive routine down for getting our attention, at least she's skipping a few cliched stops along the way. She doesn't tease us about whether she does or doesn't have sex: she promotes safe sex (how boring!) She never pretended that she had innocence to lose. She never pretended to be a little girl. She never pretended to be victimized by the very machines she set in motion in order to facilitate her being a star.

Look we've all been here before and it's well-trod territory. Can we think of some new ways for the teen idols to shock, petrify and annoy us in order to get attention? One suggestion I saw somewhere was "Satanism" but obviously that won't fly in the red states (only in fake America). And in an era where you get on TV for having a baby while being too young to vote, I don't think a rebellious "good" trend will take the country by storm.

I propose this: what if the future Miley Cyruses start pimping brass band music? You know, sort of like a drumline revival, only in this case the star in question will actually play a trumpet, saxophone, whatever. Then all the kids will start clamoring for their very own wind instruments and the parents will HATE IT. They'll hate shelling out for the instruments and lessons and moreover hate the cacophany that emanates every night from the TV, stereo and kids' rooms. I think making loud horn music the new Disney virginity (It's mine, you can't have it, just kidding it's yours for the buying) would at the very least be a fresh and new direction in which to enrage the old people. And then we won't have a shortage of people to play "Taps" at our funerals.