Human Centipede: What Can It Do for You?

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As I think I've discussed before, I'm obsessed with knowing what happens in horror movies. Not SEEING horror movies, per se, because I hate sitting there with my hand over my face so I don't get scared by the guy who's going to come around the corner or pop up in the medicine chest mirror when it closes, and I don't want visual fodder for nightmares. But when a sicko horror torture movie like your Saw or your Hostel comes out, I want to know what horrible things go on, because I am secretly fascinated by awful things (you are too, admit it).

The new movie (which hasn't come out yet) with which I'm obsessed is one called "Human Centipede." I brought this up at dinner the other night to a friend and said "You probably don't want to hear about it right now" and she insisted and I asked her again if she was sure and she said yes and I asked her one more time and then I started explaining the plot of the movie and had to laugh at the words that were coming out of my mouth. What's it about? A mad scientist who aims to made a "human centipede" by kidnapping and drugging innocents and, ah, sewing their mouths to each others' butts so they have one continuous digestive system.

I know, right?

If you don't believe me, please, go ahead and fact-check. There are also trailers available online but I haven't dared to check those out.

If you read the whole plot, you might come across this little development: "Once the operation is complete, the doctor begins training the centipede to perform tasks."

This, actually, is the part of the movie that makes me most curious. I really DON'T, repeat DO NOT need to see the mouth-to-butt sequences of the movie but I really do want to know what the doctor wants his human centipede to do. What CAN a human centipede do? Looking at some of the stills available online, basically the centipede is a train of three people who at best can crawl around in a train on all fours. I don't get what you can make someone like that do for you. Not clean, since aside from the first (lucky, lucky) person, everyone's going to be looking at the back and butt of the person ahead of him/her. Not walk the dog, because the neighbors are going to start talking. Not carry a tray of martinis, because it's hard enough for one able-bodied person to carry a full martini glass without spilling any, let alone a human centipede to do so. I suppose that if the doctor was having a cocktail party and everyone was sitting on relatively low couches, the human centipede could carry on its back trays of appetizers that have a low center of gravity--no soup shooters or tall glasses filled with cheese straws but maybe sushi rolls or bruschetta. Or maybe they could wash the floorboards.

Anyway, if you have other ideas of what the human centipede can or cannot do, please let me know. And if you see the movie, please spoil it for me.