My Grammy Performance

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First the lights go out, and a voiceover (probably Paul McCartney; if we can't get him, Ringo) goes "Oh my god, everyone: it's an emergency!" Wait a few minutes for panic to ensue and then a spotlight shines up in the rafters on someone who looks like me but is dressed in a sexy Phantom of the Opera costume. The stand-in goes "I love music so much I would DIE for it" and then flings herself down on the ground (hopefully there will be a mat or something). Then everyone goes crazy again trying to figure out what happened.

Then I emerge onstage, wearing a luxurious coat made of live minks, all writhing and baring their teeth but not harming me in any way. I am wearing a wig made out of spun gold and I am wearing George Washington's wooden teeth. My backup dancers, trained babies, emerge and form in a circle around me and I begin singing my song (TBD). Madonna comes out for a cameo, mostly to tell me that I am the new her and she is sorry for what she did to her face.

At the bridge of the song, I take off my coat, put on a pair of rollerskates, set myself on fire and then skate through the audience, who is delighted to learn that my fire is actually cotton candy.

Then Elton John comes out, tells me I look fabulous, and goes back in his hole.

Then I segue into my next song (to be written) and live on-camera I unhinge my jaw and eat an entire deer made of Swarovski crystals while Slash accompanies me on a guitar made of Lady Gaga's discarded wigs. Eminem comes out and makes me an omelet.

Finally, at the climax of the song, the stadium walls open up and I ascend into Heaven, to be seated at the right hand of Britney Spears.

Balloon drop.