I'm Just Going to Keep Talking Because It Can Only Help Me!

I know you all are very upset with me right now, but if you just let me explain myself, I'm sure I'll bring you around to seeing my point of view. No way can my attempts to clarify this situation dig me deeper in this hole of my own making. I know you're all humans, and humans need love, and surely this thing we share in common will prove to you that I am not as bad as you think.

So, yes, I lied to everyone. But so what? Who hasn't pretended that they were hiking the Applachian trail when they were off having an affair in South America? Can you honestly claim you haven't? And who among you hasn't stolen a paper clip, made a personal call, left the office to have said tryst without telling a single soul?

After I was forced to face the "real world" (AKA my boner-killer of a wife), I knew I had to end this. To prove to myself that I was serious, my beloved and I had a farewell meeting in New York chaperoned by a spiritual adviser. Now I know you'll be with me here. Nothing ever can go wrong with "farewell meetings" with forbidden loves. You bid farewell, you shut the door and you go right back to your wife. Your cold, white, non-soul-mate wife. Farewell meetings are practically legally binding in terms of proving to yourself and the world that your affair is OVER. Plus, my spiritual adviser was there! What's his name? Uhh...err...I think there are confidentiality laws that protect me from having to reveal that. What religion was he? Christian. Or Christian-ish. What did he do while he was there? He bought us condoms, that's what.

Did I mention that my beloved Argentinian hottie is my soul mate? Come on, people, I know you eat that shit up. Soul mate! Come on! Why aren't you falling in love with me yet? Look how sensitive I am! I don't get why you aren't all hugging me. In the movies and in magazines, people love it when men believe in soul mates. And yet you're just staring at me in judgment. Maybe you're just jealous because you haven't experienced the kind of love I have.

Look, I know my wife is not my soul mate but I understand how the public feels, blah blah blah, so I will try to force myself to look at her and not dream of the person I really want to be with. I don't want to blow up 20 years that we've invested. I don't want to ruin my kids' lives (I mean I have, but I don't want to.) But if I'm completely honest, there are still feelings in the way. Come on, I know you understand. Don't you love how honest and human I am? Don't you think I should still be governor? Don't you think in 2012 someone with such emotional aptitude should even be a presidential prospect?

So anyway, yes, I am working on falling back in love with my wife. Reluctantly. I'm still in love with my Argentinian queen (the world loves a man in love, right?) It's hard! Come on, you all have done things you don't want to do before, like pay taxes and love your spouse. And my bitch wife isn't making it any easier. Forget about taking tango lessons with me: she won't even look at me. I keep telling her "You acting like this isn't going to make me fall back in love with you and out of love with you-know-who any faster" but for some reason that doesn't help.

If you want me to keep talking, I will. I admit there have been other women. They meant nothing to me. They meant less to me than my life and obviously less to me than my Argentinian lover. Look, I'm just getting it all out there because confession=forgiveness, right?

So, I think this was a good idea. Now that I've explained myself, I think we can move forward. Oh, and also, I hate children, I killed someone once and I'm gay.