Why Am I Stocking Up on Guns After the Obama Victory?

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1) Obama's going to take our guns away. Yeah, I know he said specifically on the stump that he wasn't going to but he also said that he's not a Muslim, and that he's "from" Chicago. Isn't he from Hawaii? I don't believe anything that man says.

2) The revolution is going to come. I heard it from credible sources that I can't reveal but it's just best to get all the guns you can and bury your silverware in the back yard and perhaps send your children (especially your pretty, white young daughters) away to another continent for four years or so.

3) Guns are awesome! Are you kidding me? They make a loud noise and earn you respect and they shoot things and it's the perfect metaphorical phallus I've been looking for since I got kicked off the golf course for public drunkenness.

4) Gotta put your money in something. What do you YOU use, a bank? I pity you.