Dear Ladies,

Quiet down, okay? You can hear each other just fine. We can all hear you. You're being very, very loud.

I make this request after having recently relocated into a house that I now share with a lady, the proprietor of this website and have become far more privy to the relationships between females when they are brought together under one roof and begin to grow undeniably loud. Although, certainly, I had born witness to this phenomenon in the past, I hadn't been surrounded by it on the semi-regular basis I am today.

It has been observed that when two women familiar with one another enter the same general area, the loudness of the conversation will likely follow as such:

TREMENDOUS LOUDNESS! (usually a greeting of some kind)
Slightly Quieter (things begin to calm down)
Normal Speaking Volumes (for 2 to 3 minutes, peace and order is restored)
SCREAMING! (usually involving the phrases "I know!" or "Oh my god!")
Slightly Quieter (again, calm begins after 5 to 10 minutes of screaming and laughing)
Normal Speaking Volumes (another 2 to 3 minutes at the end of chaos)
SCREAMING! (usually involving the phrases "I know!" or "Oh my god!")

Quite incredibly, this same sort of haphazard scream-quiet-scream phenomenon is not limited to direct interaction, as the same actions have been observed during numerous phone calls, a situation made all the worse given that the female resident in our household seems to be of the belief that things must always BE SAID VERY LOUDLY INTO THE PHONE WHEN YOU'RE MAKING A PHONE CALL.

So ladies, I implore you to please stop yelling. Just laugh like a normal person and be startled or shocked in a less boisterous fashion. Chose a level you're all comfortable with from the beginning and try and stick to it.

Thank you for your time.

Steve Delahoyde is a former contributor to this site and is now deceased as of this morning.