I'll Stand By You

I watched and wrote about three hours of reality TV last night, so if you're interested, here is my American Idol piece on the Onion AV Club, and here you can find my thoughts on the Beauty and the Geek season premiere, also for the AV Club.

So as you now know (and if you don't and haven't congratulated me appropriately, you are no longer allowed to read this site), I'm getting married in the fall. Marriage means a lot of things to me, like having a big party, and having people look at me, and getting presents and getting a new dress. But one of the vows I take most seriously is To Stand By Him In Times Of Need Or Humiliation Or Confession.

I look to Eliot Spitzer's wife, and Dina Matos McGreevey, and Hillary Clinton, and all the other wives who have stood next to their husbands as they confessed to something awful that they were caught doing, as my role models.

I can only imagine the love they feel for their husbands at that point. They're probably thinking, "Honey, you've been there for me and done so much for me--let me stand up proudly for you. No, really, I'm happy to."

I suppose some lesser wives would say, "Forget you, I'm going drinking with my friends at the Four Seasons, have fun with your little 'announcement,' you goddamned disgusting pervert. I hate you. I can't believe you did this to me. You disgust me. I hope you rot in hell. And I'm taking everything in the divorce. EVERYTHING. And I'm writing a book. You piece of shit."

But these women are just a sign of the trouble that the institution of marriage is going under these days. We say "for better or for worse," don't we?

I can't wait to prove my love to whoever it is I'm getting married to. When the time comes (and it will, because I, like those other politician's wives, am drawn to confident risk-taking leaders), I will be proud to stand next to him as he confesses to running a gay porn website, or being a pimp, or running a steroids-for-fighting-dogs company, or selling plutonium to the Libyans. And I will look at him, smiling beatifically, as he says those magical words: "I am sorry if I offended anyone."

I won't be.