I Am Not a Homewrecker

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Today is the day to acknowledge the talents of someone you hate.

Look, I don't know how many times I can tell you people but I am not a homewrecker. Please believe me. I suppose you could listen to the devilish tabloids, or the many people out to destroy me, or the doctored photographs or fabricated videotapes or scratchy-sounding audio recordings or the 'evidence' that has been planted. I am a good person and I respect the sanctity of marriage too much to do the things I am accused of.

What happened with Rex is a matter of semantics. He was in the midst of divorcing his wife at the time and I had nothing to do with that.

Timothy I met the very day that he was going to serve his wife with divorce papers. And that just happened to be a coincidence. What kind of person would meet a man at Starbucks, say "Hello, you should leave your wife for me" and have it happen? Except for a very sexy, intriguing person?

I had no idea that Peter was on his honeymoon when I met him. Who honeymoons in St. Lucia? I was just there are the resort by myself like most single women do, and I met him completely by accident. And if his wife thought he was so special she shouldn't have let him go jogging by himself that morning.

I was just praying when that thing happened with Otis, when suddenly my peaceful reverie was disturbed by the most awful racket coming down the aisle. And those of you who think it was tacky that I demanded that his former fiancee/wife (depending on whether you believe a wedding is legal according to a license or the sanctity of the church) turn over her engagement ring to me, I think you're just hating.

And I know the time with Gary, when I was waiting at home when his wife returned from the hospital with their newborn baby to tell her to turn around and find another place to stay might have seemed harsh, but she was a real bitch and that baby was ugly too. I was doing everyone a favor.

And finally I think it was just fair that I kicked Karl's wife and the kids out of the house myself. The kids needed to see that I was taking a stand that they didn't live there anymore, because otherwise they'd be confused and that wouldn't be fair. And Karl's wife also didn't understand him. And he loves his new kids much, much more.

I'm just a passionate, misunderstood person, that's all.

Not a homewrecker!

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