April 4, 2003

Today is the day to tell knock-knock jokes that make no sense.

What a meeting of the minds! This week, Matt Tobey (who is mentioned below in today's interview) and I take over Lindsay Robertson's position at the Black Table, wrapping up the week in Craig's List. Her office smells nice and it's cozy and I don't want to leave and Matt and I have been shooting rubber bands at each other all week long.

I have to say, when I first met today's interviewee, I sort of resented him. That was because he was the emcee of Haypenny's One-Year Anniversary, which I attended last October, and I had to read first. Did I mention that he is a standup comedian? You try following a professional comedian, especially in front of a mob of wound up, violent residents of Detroit. . It's impossible not to like him, though, since he's so funny and cool and bears a resemblance to Paul Rudd. Please welcome Zulkey.com's first professional comedian. And be sure to tip your waitress! Hi-o!

The Jesse Popp Interview: Slightly Less Than Twenty Questions

Do you get heckled very much? What's your response to hecklers? What was the best heckling experience you ever had (i.e. made the heckler feel like crap) and what was the worst?
I don't get heckled very much. A bigger problem is probably mass indifference. When people yell stuff it's usually pretty harmless. I either ignore it or make a quick joke and move on. There are a lot of people that think you go to a comedy club just to get made fun of and I don't understand that at all. Some will even ask ahead of time to be made fun of during the show. I've seen comics that are really good at it, but when there's a table full of bachelorettes in penis hats yelling at me, there's nothing that really pops into my head besides, "Why are you here…and wearing penis hats?" I should probably work on that, I guess.

What are the most common responses people give you when you tell them you're a comic?
They almost always want me to tell them a joke. They'll say, "You're a comedian, eh? Let's hear it!" Then they fold their arms and stare at me. It's at that moment that I spray them with seltzer water and run away. I think most people expect you to be non-stop zinger guy, so even if you're being totally normal they end up thinking you're a weirdo. Like, I worked at this office a while back, and EVERY morning, I would walk in, say hello to the receptionist and she'd say, "I can't believe you're a comedian!"

Is it true that all comics are really just sad clowns?
I will admit that I've been sad once or twice, but I'm probably more of a lazy nerd with no job skills. You know that thing where you balance a stack of coins on your elbow and then try to catch them in your hand? That's the only other thing I'm good at.

Can you give us any dirt on any famous comics you may have met?
I once played spin the bottle with Bob Newhart and Judy Tenuta. 'Nuff said.

When you write jokes, are there any particular topics that you avoid, either because you think they're inappropriate or because you just can't make them funny?
I think that almost anything can be funny. But just because you thought of a really clever way to lampoon, say, dead babies, it doesn't mean that you can get a bunch of strangers to laugh at it. You might just want to save it for your friends that don't know any babies that are dead. Although, there is something to be said for occasionally creeping out the crowd. Just keep in mind that I'm typing this up at my day job so I might not know what I'm talking about.

I have seen some truly terrible comics, comics that make me cringe and feel worse for them than refugees in impoverished countries. Do you think comics know when they're bad, or do many of them just believe that they're good? What keeps them going when they're getting no good feedback? Is it because their mom tells them they're good or something?
Honestly, I really don't know. I mean, everyone should be allowed some time to figure out what they're doing, and everyone has bad shows, but I have seen some crazies. I think those people have what's called "The Eye of The Tiger."

Can you tell us some comedian's routines that consistently slay you?
Oh man. I don't want to leave anyone out, but I will mention that I get to open up for Maria Bamford later this month in Ann Arbor and she's very, very hilarious. Be there!

What would you do first, use props in your act or use music in your act?
Before I ever did stand-up, I did this thing called Free Lawyer. I did it about three times, I think. My friend's bands would be playing a show and I would come out before them in a suit and tie and sing songs explaining legal terms. The joke was supposed to be that I was a real lawyer trying to help people, but then the songs would just be weird and not at all informative. It was stupid on purpose but also kind of stupid anyway. I think, for now, my guitar is best left in my bedroom. As far as props are concerned, I probably won't ever do props. If I were to devote all kinds of time to making stuff it would be for serious things like perpetual motion machines and Smell-O-Vision. So to answer your question: props!

Who would you say is very underrated? Carrot Top? Gallagher?
Robin Williams, George Carlin, Whoopi Goldberg…when are these people gonna get their props?!

What's the best advice you've ever gotten from a fellow comedian? It doesn't have to be about comedy, although that's welcome of course.
Some comic once told me how to hide cocaine when you get pulled over by the cops. From that moment on, I have never been caught with cocaine. Thanks, that one guy.

My sources tell me that the lease on your car is almost up. What are you going to get next? A BMW like a famous comedian?
Wow, that's a hot and true scoop! My lease was indeed up this week. I was over my miles in a very expensive way, so I decided to buy this time. 2003 Grand Am. I was at the dealership for 10 hours waiting for everything to be processed and I drank a bunch of coffee and read old Time magazines. At one point, I pushed the wrong button on the vending machine and got M&M's instead of Snickers. I'll sell you the movie rights to that story for five million dollars.

You're from Michigan. Do you think comics from different parts of the country have different styles, or is it up to the individual?
Well, I don't think it's to the point that everyone from New York is like Woody Allen or everyone from the South is like Jeff Foxworthy, but it does vary a bit. But sometimes, even within the same neighborhood there'll be two or more clubs with completely different kinds of comics, crowds, etc. I feel like I'm talking out of my butt on this one, so I'm going to move on now.

You're buddies with the guys over at Haypenny. Can you tell us some dirty secrets about any of them?
Here's all I know:
Dennis--loves pickles, mushrooms, and falling asleep in other people's bathtubs.
Sam--If you ever go camping with him he'll sing They Might Be Giants songs while you're trying to sleep. Also, he cheats at Monopoly so keep an eye on him.
Paul--doesn't always know what he's talking about but he is Irish, Hispanic and a dependable weekday-drinker. Three and a half stars.
Matt--A notorious spendthrift as well as a cold-blooded murderer. Actually, he's super cheap and only kills in self-defense. Scorpio.

Also, I should mention that Dennis, Sam, Paul, and another friend of mine called Chad are in the band Havilland. They are good. Matt is not in the band but he plays a mean tuba.

Do people ask you a lot if Jesse Popp is your real name? Do you have any snappy comebacks?
People ask me if Jesse Popp is a stage name all the time. It's not, but sometimes they don't believe me and start asking all sorts of weird genealogy questions. Of course I can never answer them and they'll act like they just blew my cover. But yes, that's my real name. Ever since I was a kid, people have been calling me things like Jesse Popcorn, Jesse Poptart, Jesse Pepsi, Jesse Poppgoestheweasel, Jesse (Etc.). Almost as often, people call me Jesse James for some reason. They'll say "How's it goin', Jesse James?" or "Uh-oh, here comes Jesse James!" Then I check to see if they have banker hands, and if they do, I shoot them in the back. Is that comeback too mean to be snappy? Either way, it's made up.

How come we see street musicians and street magicians and so on, but never street comics?
I think there are street comics. I've heard of people doing it, but I've never seen one. Maybe they lost a turf war with the musicians and magicians. I would never be able to do street comedy, so if I saw someone doing it, I would gladly put money into their little money hat.

You were on Comedy Central's Premium Blend. How do you get in a show like that? And did a lot more people recognize you after that?
Comedy Central does a contest every year called Laugh Riots. You send in a tape, they pick a bunch of people to do shows in different cities…basically, it's a contest and the eventual winner gets to be on Premium Blend. I did it in 2000 and 2001. I didn't win but I sent my tape in for '02 and I think that might have gotten me on. I was lucky and it was a lot of fun, but I have never been recognized. People that I already know tell me that people they know saw me on TV, but that's about it. A guy at a show said that he saw somebody on TV doing one of my jokes and I told him that it was probably me. That's how goddamned famous I am!

Why does the lingo in comedy so often have to do with death? "He killed, he slayed, it bombed, it died."
Well, when I walk onto the stage I become a warrior locked in battle with every person in the audience--who are demons. The microphone is a gun and my jokes are special demon bullets. I hope that helped.

So you were on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire.' Do they tell you ahead of time to make up stupid crap to make your answers really long? (i.e. Q: What state is Chicago in? A: "Well, my sister is from Chicago, and I really enjoyed the movie "Chicago," and I know it's not Wisconsin because that's where the Green Bay Packers play, and hey, go Packers! But is the answer Illinois?") Also, what answer did you lose on?
They tell you to take as long as you need before answering because they edit most of it out anyway. I was pretty nervous, so rather than using that time to talk a lot, I decided to go the route of silently trying to not shit in my pants. Maybe that's why I only won a thousand dollars.

I went out on the $32,000 question. It was this: In the TV series "What About Joan" what is the profession of Joan Cusack's character? I said psychiatrist and the correct answer was teacher. I was out of lifelines and had never seen that show, but I really wanted to get to the 32 grand. No dice.

Here's a Millionaire related anecdote. I was at my nephew's birthday a few weeks ago…some kid walked up to me and asked me if I was the guy that went on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I said yes and then he asked me how much I won. I told him a thousand dollars and he said, "Wow, you must be really, really stupid!" I thought that was a very darndest thing for him to say and it's why I shot him in the back.

How does it feel to be the 51st person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
No comment.