March 20, 2003

Today is the day to listen to "War on War" by Wilco.

Got an umemployment story for me? You know where to send them.

Classification

Phylum1: Underwear

Class 1: Women
Order 1: Those who care about its cuteness, sexiness and/or kinkiness (includes those who embrace the thong and crotchless varieties)
Order 2: Those who make attempts at matching their underwear, but usually give up.
Order 3: Those who wear it, albeit begrudgingly.

Class 2: Men
Order 1: Those that prefer women to wear cute, kinky, crotchless underwear (includes those who buy women underwear, including thigh-high stockings with garters)
Order 2: Those who are simply happy to be with a women, regardless of underwear type (usually prefers no underwear whatsoever)
Order 3: Those who wear assless chaps.

Phylum 2: Readers in Public Places

Class 1: The New Yorker
Order 1: Those who subscribe to the New Yorker and often begin conversations loudly with, "I just read an article in the New Yorker that said…"
Order 2: Those who subscribe to the New Yorker but only read it in public places, holding it upright so that others can see that they are reading the New Yorker.

Class 2: People who read books with slipcovers on them
Order 1: Those who are reading something dirty and are embarrassed
Order 2: Those who are reading religious material and are embarrassed

Phylum 3: Weather-Watchers

Class 1: Happy People
Order 1: Those who enjoy good weather (frequently play frisbee and hackey-sack; often are in colleges with large quadrangles)
Order 2: Those who actually utilize rainy days for things like saving money for rainy days or rainchecks.

Class 2: Sad People
Order 1: Those who enjoy sad weather (enjoy songs by Counting Crows, walking in the pouring rain while thinking about lost loved one)
Order 2: Those who think that good weather is due to the cruel mockery of God.

Class 3: Lazy People
Order 1: Those who hate good weather because it makes them feel guilty for staying inside.
Order 2: Those who don't check the weather, but rather ask people who have already been outside what it's like.

Phylum 4: List Makers and Classifiers

Class 1: The nerdy and obsessive-compulsive

Class 2: Those who are procrastinating doing something else altogether.