September 20, 2002

Today is the day to take off work. Just like me, ha ha ha ha!

Zulkey.com is taking the day off from the job that lets Zulkey.com exist, but that doesn't mean that you have to suffer.

Who does have to suffer, though, is my interviewee, because your very own webmistress is running out the door to -eek!- put down an application on an apartment, leaving me not as much time to write an adequate introduction. So I will say that while I haven't known Ben Brown as long as I've known some of my interview subjects (the record now is 18 years, so who can beat that?), he is amazingly industrious, entreprenurial, entertaining, talented and most importantly, kind.

That wasn't a good intro, was it? Oh well, see for yourself!

The Ben Brown Interview: Somewhere Around Twenty Questions Or So

Let's see here…you edit and write at least three or four sites that I know of, print a literary journal, print short books, write for a children's television show and more that I probably don't even know or remember. How did your general editing/writing/ringleading/multitasking begin? Was it something consecrated in the womb or did God appoint you one day to be a literary overachiever?
My first book, written, illustrated, and published by myself, was published in 1984. I was 6 years old. I believe the title of the book -- it's been so long that I don't remember it clearly -- was "The Purple Monster." The distribution wasn't great -- I think we only reached one or two parents back then -- but it's been growing since then at a pretty solid rate, and I expect to reach an audience numbering in the hundreds for my next release.

Give us a rundown on all your piercings and tattoos. Do you regret any of them? Which was the most painful? Are there any you're still waiting to get?
I'll do this like I do it with all my piercing freak, tattooed weirdo friends: in chronological order with short justifications for each.

1. 2 piercings in my left ear cartilage. Got them on my 18th birthday as a sort of "fuck you!" to my parents, I guess. I wore a hat the night of my 18th birthday party (a quiet and reserved dinner out with the folks) to hide the piercings (it was a droopy, dorky hat) and then pulled it off halfway through. They did not notice the piercings.

2. Left earlobe. Done by my ex girlfriend with a safety pin. How punk rock.

3. Right earlobe. Done in the mall by a mall person as a remembrance of my dear, departing German au pair friend. She didn't get anything pierced, so it wasn't really a good remembrance.

4. Tongue. Done as a sort of self-punishment/auto-liberation thing after my long term college girlfriend broke my heart by a) moving in with me and b) breaking up with me, ALL AT ONCE.

5. Nipples. I don't even really remember why I got them done, but boy, they felt good. And still do. Wanna touch?

6. Tattoo. Right arm, 4 dots going from my shoulder to my mid-upper-arm. I remember going into the office and saying something like, "Fuck, I hate everyone, I'm going to get a tattoo, someone come with me." And someone did, and I got a tattoo.

7. Lip. I think someone told me they thought lip rings were sexy. In reality, lip rings are really annoying and hard to heal. Especially if you smoke all the time. Which I did.

8. Tattoo, left arm, 4 more dots. Same as the right. Symetry is my own personal Jesus.

9. Labret piercing, done by Hamish at Fleshwound in Wellington, New Zealand. Before I got to NZ, I wanted to get some cool tribal tattoos done in the Maori style, but when I got there I felt like too much of a poser, so I just got the labret done. It was sort of an engagement piercing, as Ani got hers done a the same time. You can see pictures here.

10. Tattoos. 3 dots on each ankle. Hurt like hell. My tattoo artist tells me, "People come in and see your tats in my portfolio, and they say 'What the fuck was he thinking?' and I say 'I have no idea!'"

And that's it. I love each and every one -- even the piercings I've since taken out and that have healed up. I don't regret a single one because they each taught me an important lesson, even if that lesson is 'don't put metal where you put food.' And they all hurt. Like hell. But that's sort of the point.

You recently put out the third edition of your literary journal, WordsWordsWords! Why should people chip in an extra six bones for this as opposed to spending it elsewhere?
Because you wrote 2 pieces for it, even though you only really got credit for one. Scandalous! Also, because it's the first time I've published my own fiction (as bad as it might be…) Also, because it's got 5 other really excellent pieces of writing from 5 writers who kick so much ass. And it's not pretentious. And it's got a centerfold. And because the cash we make from the sales -- I don't take any of it. Normally, the author or editor gets a big chunk of the profits, but for Words, I just send it all back into the pipe and make more books by more authors.

You got married at a young age, and it came about in a somewhat unusual way. Please regale us.
Oh, this is a long, long, long story. I've written about it in a lot of different places, but I will give you the short version.

In 2000, while my dotcom startup was in mid-fail, this perky little Kiwi girl emailed me and told me that she thought I was really cool. I wrote her back and told her to fuck off. Really, I did. I was in a really sour mood due to having recently been involved with one of those stereotypical internet fakers who send photos of swimsuit models to you and ask to be plunged by your huge man-bat, but who then turn out to be, in real life, pudgy 17 year olds.

But strangely enough, the kiwi girl was not turned away by my foul mood and foul mouth, and kept at it. And she wore me down. And she convinced me that it would be a very good idea for us to get together. And so, she took out a bank loan, and she flew to the US, and we had a lot of sex.

Now, I'm not one to shy away from lots of sex, so I decided that we'd get married. And, long story short, we did. Long story long, we went through nearly a year of horrible INS nightmares, fees, international travel, pet quarantine, rental property headaches, blah, blah, blah. But we got married. And now we live in Austin. And we'll see how long that lasts. We're like celebrities, right? If only there was a tabloid for web personalities, we'd be on the front page.

Tell us about the Ben Brown Show. Will we be seeing more episodes in the future?
The Ben Brown show was a direct reaction to my wife getting a job while I remained sadly unemployed. All of a sudden, I was thrust into a life of total boredom. And so, one morning, I decided to wake up early and shoot a tv show.

I thought, if I was lucky, 10 or 15 people would see it. Boy, was I wrong. Like, thousands of people saw it. And they wanted more. So I made more. Like, 10 more. And it was fun. I debunked urban legends. I debunked discount collect call services. I chased my cat around the yard.

But after a while, I got totally bored with it. And that, combined with people offering to pay me money to do the same thing -- well, that just totally turned me off. So no, there will be no more episodes. Sorry!

You edit Neal Pollack's blog and will be putting out a novel of his with So New Media in the coming year. Tell us some dirty secrets about him that we otherwise wouldn't know.
All those things in Neal's book, they aren't true! OH MY GOD. SCANDAL!

Give us a rundown of all the places that you've counted as home in your life, and one good thing and one bad thing about each.
Oakland, California. Good: I popped out of my mom there. Bad: housing prices.

San Francisco, California. Good: the dot com boom. Bad: the dot com boom.

Chico, California. Good: home of the chico-san rice cake. Bad: hot! Hot! Hot!

Salt Lake City, Utah. Good: The Bird Zoo. Bad; Mormons. Also: we were run out of town when my father was accused of being a child molester by the pale-skinned natives. The truth? He was just the only Jew on the block.

Burke, Virginia. Good: I can't remember any of it. Bad: Everything else.

Derwood, Maryland. Good: The Doiwud boyees. Bad: Nothing to do but go to DC.

College Park, Maryland. Good: College. Bad: College.

Austin, Texas: Good: Coffee. Bad: Texas.

Wellington, New Zealand. Good: Proximity to about 9,000 good boutiques, cafes, and cool, culturally interesting hangouts. Bad: Distance from major metropolitan areas recognized by the rest of the world as major metropolitan areas.

You write for a New Zealand children's television show, "Squirt." How did this come about? Is this a show with good Christian morals or does it have the sex and the violence and the rap music that will eventually spoil our youth?
This is a lesson in how the internet never works. A few days before I moved to New Zealand, I posted on my site that I was, uh, moving to New Zealand. And, as luck would have it, the script editor for Squirt read that message and read a few more things on my site and thought to herself, 'Wow, this guy is sorta funny!' So she emailed me and asked if I might be interested in writing a script or two for the show.

Well, duh! Of course I was. And so we met one afternoon in this lovely little café on the corner of my street in Wellington, and she gave me the run down 'so we play cartoons and silly little interviews and video clips, and you just have to sort of write around those bits and make it funny. And relevant to kids. And you have to use words from a language that nearly nobody actually speaks anymore.'

But really, how hard can writing a 30 minute cartoon talk show be? Let me answer you: very hard. I mean, you can only write so many jokes about a penguin and a fish before breaking down and writing vaguely camouflaged sex jokes (which I did in the last episode.)

Anyways. I wrote a test script, and 1 week later, it aired on NZ TV2. Which like, every kid in NZ watches. Then, they hired me to write 13 episodes a season. So now I'm like the Jerry Stahl of New Zealand TV, except without the heroin and the extraordinary talent.

To answer your question, yes, it has sex, violence, and a lot of rap music. I wrote an episode recently that could be called a rock opera.

If you were to commit plagiarism, what would be the first thing you'd plagiarize?
First, Burroughs. Then, Thompson. Then, Palahniuk. Then, Zulkey.

How do you plan a good reading, one that will showcase talent but will also one that will rock the proverbial kangaroo's ass?
Pretty much say, "Hey, I'm gonna throw a reading! Who wants to come?" Then, I just take the first five people that raise their hands.

It's all about attitude. You just have to go into the thing thinking that it'll be a rocking show, and it will be. Also, if you invite all your friends, you are sure to succeed.

Some of us have jobs where we drink beer and cuss from our cubicles. You're forced to pray at your job. What do you pray for? That the Xerox machine doesn't break again?
We pray that a) we will win the law suits brought against us. B) 'our' boys will be victorious in their 'glorious' overseas battles. C) we will make a lot of profit so that our bonuses will be large.

You, the reader, may think that Ms. Zulkey was being sarcastic when she asked about the prayer circles at my job. But sadly, she was not. We pray. And it's not even the nice, general sort of prayer, the kind that goes "Oh ye who watches over us, whoever ye may be, man or woman or other! Ye, please make sure we are all nice to one another. Thanks." No, it's a prayer to Jesus. Jesus. JESUS.

I will probably be fired for writing that.

Please tell me how Über is better than me, daily.
Well, it's not better than you. I think you are much more reliably funny. But it's better than everyone else. Because everyone else sucks.

Serious answer: Better than you rhymes with Uber dot nu.

Of course, all the stuff that you do is not enough, and you're working on a novel as well, TV TV! What's that going to be about? Will it inspire legions of drooling fans and girls who ask you to sign their breasts?
Girls already ask me to sign their breasts. Or at least, you did.

TV! TV! is about reality television. It's also about obesity. It's also about being addicted to diet pills, being addicted to mall food courts, being addicted to beef substitutes, and being addicted to exercise. It is a novel about repetitive sentence structure.

Uhm. Ok. It's about a guy named Frank who is the creator of a show called TV! TV. TV!TV! is a reality show about reality tv shows. Like, it's a reality tv show show behind the scenes of another reality tv show. Except that one of them is fake. I'm not telling which one.

Frank gets himself in a lot of trouble due to a falling out with his twin brother, and wacky zanyness occurs. But in the end, everything works out ok in a disasterous sort of way. Like at the end of Egger's novel when, even though both of the guys parents are dead and he's got this bratty teenager to take care of, really, it's ok because isn't san Francisco cool?

I want to hire Brand Ben Brown. But I don't know why. What would you do for me?
Brand Ben Brown is a division of my brain that makes software for web sites. Currently, we are closed for business. We make content management software, but that content management software, even though it is very good, is only available to people like Neal Pollack and Doug Rushkoff. Sorry! When you publish your first big seller, you can have it too.

Do you believe in astrology? Are you like your sign? What is your sign, baby?
No. No. Aquarius.

You've started your own fan board, too, aptly titled "I Love Ben Brown." Have you gotten any unseemly propositions there?
A day doesn't go by when I don't get unseemly propositions there. I mean, look at this. What the fuck?

There are some people who seem like they'd like a "I Hate Ben Brown" site. Why are there so many people out there who appear to hate both the player and the game?
I will answer by pasting in an email I received yesterday.

dear gaylord,

All your fucking posturing about being punk.lit or whatever comes off more gay than a Pepsi ad with SUM41 in it. You are not punk, your book company is not punk, there is nothing punk about you. There are 1000 small press book
companies in north america, and they are all as DIY as yours, or more. MANY many many of them have events that involve bands, and yes, some have centerfolds, and oh my gosh, yes there have been magazines about books
before yours, that did the same things yours does. You are just a boring, aging weblogger (pretending to be an aging punk rocker) doing things that 1000 people have done before you and acting like you're original. You are as cool as a GAP ad, and about as smart. Please stop pretending you're not shit.

I would encourage everyone to email this fellow and tell him that it is not very punk rock to email someone to tell him that he is not punk rock, and that he takes everything too seriously. His email address is eatingpoi@hotmail.com.

You are literally an international man of mystery. How did you acquire such a large New Zealand fan base? Are there any other countries you'd like to see worship you?
I have no idea how I became so rich and famous in New Zealand. The problem is, the New Zealand dollar is only worth $0.30 here, so I'm less than one third as famous here as I am there. That is truly unfortunate.

I would like very much to be famous in England. Because in England, when you get famous, you get really famous. Like, screaming teenaged fans that you have to run from.

If you had to focus entirely on publishing, writing, editing, or something else, at the expense of everything else, what would it be?'
Writing. Someone else will always do the other stuff. But only I can write my stories. Unless I hired a ghost writer. Ooh. There's an idea.

I'm sorry that I don't have room for more questions for you. Is there anything I'm forgetting?
Aren't you looking forward to meeting me on October 5? Because we will both be appearing, celebrity styles, at the Haypenny party in Detroit. You should promote that more.

Yes. Everybody be there. Or suffer the consequences of being square.

How does it feel to be, I think, the 23rd person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
23 is 7 times 3 plus 2.