June 7, 2002

Today is the day to drink beer before liquor.

I promised that today I will reveal the source of Claire Zulkey, and here it is: my mom. I love doing these interviews, but this was a difficult one. My mom is a complex lady, and lauding all her talents and quirks and still revealing her as a person was a serious task. I hope you get an idea of who she is. If not, you can always email her, too. She might love email even more than I do. But please, keep in clean, for God's sake.

The Janice B. Zulkey Interview: Slightly More Than 20 Questions (She is My Mom, After All)

Why do you hate yoga classes?
All that focus on relaxation makes me tense. Ditto the idea of getting a massage. Furthermore, my daughter has convinced me that I don't have the right wardrobe for it.

Why are you constantly updating pieces of the house? First it was painting the garage, then it was re-applying the stucco. What's this all for, and what's next?
I know you're thinking that I've been giving the house a facelift rather than go through one myself, but that's not it. No, that's definitely not it at all. I don't know why you'd think that.
I haven't told your father yet, but next is an update for the horror we call the laundry room. Right now I'm thinking open, stainless steel shelving chocked with cunning little baskets to hold all those things I've been saving for you to take with you when you move out . I'd like to make it "sunny", but that's out of the question, given that it's in the basement. I'm still working on it. I want to make it absolutely clear, though, that I'm not in the least influenced, nor ever will be, by Martha Stewart, even though she's a good, hard-working Polish girl who's been hanging out with the wrong crowd lately.

What's with your obsession with "Law and Order"?
Jerry Ohrbach is an NU alum. That, and the two-note musical interlude between segments.

What book are you reading right now? Is it good?
I'm just about to finish David Remnick's biography of Muhammad Ali. I got interested in boxing when I was a little girl of 4 or 5 and watched the weekly Friday Night Fights on a tiny black and white TV with an 80-year-old man who was our neighbor. He didn't speak English, but we shared quiet moments of joint appreciation for a good jab or stunning knockout. I'd like to think we hummed the Gillette song together, but I don't believe he was that lighthearted. Anyway, I like this biography in particular because it lays the groundwork for the spectacular impact of Ali by studying the personae of his immediate predecessors, Patterson and Liston. I have a nice assortment of to-be-read books, all but one non-fiction, but I need to start doing research on Hoover Dam for a paper I'm going to write.

You belonged to the sorority Chi Omega when you were an undergrad at Northwestern University. What are some secrets about sororities you can tell to non-Greek people, like me?
Nice try. You know perfectly well that I cannot reveal the secrets of the sisterhood. I can say, though, that we never had pillow fights in our underwear and we never discussed anything physical that may have happened on our dates. In retrospect that second part was probably a mistake, because I might've learned something.

If you had to go back to work full-time, but could choose the occupation, what would it be?
Well, it would have to be something I could do only when I felt like it, which kind of negates the idea of "full time". I'm pretty good at being critical, so maybe I could do that professionally.

You've traveled a lot. What do you want to see next?
You mean what next really - or ideally? I want to take a breakneck ride in an open, horse-drawn sleigh across the frozen Neva. I want to see the prayer flags and butter lamps near base camp on Everest. I want to explore Machu Picchu, without actually having to climb up. I want to be in India, only if it's not too crowded and not too hot. Then there's Angkor Wat and Petra. And, I'd rather pluck out my eyeballs than go on any sort of a cruise, with the possible exception of one among the Greek isles.

You are an amazing cook, and people unrelated to you have said so. Say, for once, you didn't have to, or chose not to cook. What would you have somebody make for you?
I 'd like them to cook something that takes hours and hours, so that while I'm upstairs in the family room, reading, napping and dreaming up new household projects, I'd be able to appreciate the aromas - preferably starting with sautéed onions and garlic - waft up the stairs. In other words, I'd like to be a member of my family when I'm making Thanksgiving dinner.

You use both the phrases "Get out!" and "...as all get-out." What's the difference?
Get out! After all these years, I would have thought you'd get it. Context is everything.

What are some secrets of a good marriage?
I go with John Bayley's remark when questioned about the secret of his long and happy marriage to Iris Murdoch, that the best thing is to take your marriage for granted. That is, you assume that it is and always will be. That kind of cushion absorbs a lot of bumps.

What's the difference between a Zulkey man and a Zulkey woman?
It depends which generation you're talking about and whether you're a born Zulkey or a naturalized one. It goes without saying that I love all the Zulkeys, but rather than put too fine a point on it, I'd say that the Zulkey women are more likely to notice when it's time to clean out the car/drawers/closet/
basement/garage.

Why do you hate the way Peter Jennings blinks?
Now here is where I earn my stripes as "professional critic". Peter Jennings is what I call a "slow-blinker". You can tell he's being particularly snide when his eyelids stay down too long. Just watch him and you'll see what I mean. It's a mark of arrogance and I won't have it.

What's the best part of your golf game?
Well, the caddies say I'm the best because I play very quickly, have a light golf bag, and don't tell dirty jokes they have to laugh at. But, I think the best parts of my game are one, that I maintain a pleasant demeanor when my game is in the tank; and two, that I don't go over the game, shot by shot, once it's over. (That last bit is a pointed remark - see the marriage question above.)

You've often expressed a desire to have a forum on Zulkey.com. What are you so anxious to discuss?
Often Zulkey.com virtually begs its readers to chew over its content among themselves, perhaps contesting one point or another, without any interference or pouting from the mistress of the site. For example, even though this goes back awhile, I would like to make the correction that the webmistress never had whooping cough, having been properly vaccinated as a child. Most often, Zulkey.com's parents would like to have it known that the vocabulary sometimes resorted to is not the product of a poor home environment, but probably a kneejerk reaction to her being denied cable TV for 22 years.

You used to be the Vice President of Continental Bank. What are some good tales of the working world to pass on to young working girls of today? And, what's the highest denomination bill that you ever handled?
It was a point of pride - and status - that I never handled cash. I did hand over a check for $40 million that I loaned one of my clients. This was in the late 70's, so it would be about $40 gazillion today. I liked my job. I loved crunching the numbers and it was a real power trip, as we used to say, deciding if an entity was credit-worthy, or how a complicated loan could be structured. And, there was no heavy lifting. I also enjoyed being one of the first women in my position. I was never huffy or sensitive about the "old boys" thing, but enjoyed their constant amazement that I could cut it.

Anthony Hopkins or Ralph Fiennes?
Boy, everyone else gets the softball questions, but I'll try to field this one. Obviously, smoldering, soulful eyes get high marks from me, and they both score well in this category. But since I've always been a softie for a mellow voice, and since Ralph often seems anorexic, I'll have to go with Tony.

"From One Business Into Another," "Please Disturb," and "Wally Pigs Out." What are these titles of?
2/3 of these are my published efforts. If I'd been more aggressive, it would've been 3/3.

What's the number-one reason you're glad you gave birth to me?
I can always count on you to notice the little things. And, you're an excellent brown-noser. I prize that in a child. Giving me a voice and a forum for my opinions on Zulkey.com is just another example of what a fine kisser-upper you can be. My little girl.

So it was worth the 36 hours of labor?
Gee, did I mention it was 36 hours? Why do you think I always cried on your birthdays?

You refuse to leave the house without makeup but yet you're not afraid to pick up a lamb chop in a restaurant and tear away the meat until it's dry. Why the discrepancy?
There's no discrepancy whatsoever. Wearing make-up enables me to do just about anything I like at the dinner table, in a dainty yet glamorous way. I think I pull it off pretty well.

How does it feel to be the 10th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
I'm flattered that I'm the first person of "a certain age" to undergo the treatment. It does make me a little sad, however, that I'm obviously losing my touch, since all the hinting, then carping and nagging and guilt-tripping over the past 9 weeks didn't move me up a few notches in the sequence.