Living with a man has its upsides. Got something heavy to lift? A spider to squash? A neighbor's newspaper to steal?
But there are downsides too. And not just the toilet seat constantly being left in the upright position or the little piles of toenail clippings on the coffee table. Men just can't seem to get past certain female priorities and habits. If your man has ever made fun of how long it takes you to pick out an outfit or how much money you spend on shampoo, then you know what I'm talking about. Kudos to you if you've snagged one of those "evolved" men who gives a crap about his hair and knows how to use an iron. For the rest of us, there's little respite from the eye rolling and snide comments.
Luckily, I've compiled a few clever comebacks to a few of your boyfriend or husband's smart ass comments.
1. "What was wrong with the last five outfits you had on? Just pick something already so we can go."
If you're like me, you hear this one and kind of wish you had a potato sack to put on, just to make him eat his words. And that's exactly what you've got to do the next time you find yourself in this situation. Not a potato sack per se, but something so hideous and inappropriate that even he will suggest going back to the closet. And I bet he won't give you any more lip either!
2. Reading the label of your shampoo bottle: "Is this supposed to go in your hair or on a salad?"
Occam's Razor doesn't always apply, but in this situation the most obvious solution really is the right one. And when he takes a bite of his salad and tastes some Aveda Curl Enhancer, ask him whether that dressing would make a better shampoo and see what he says now.
3. Looking at your vibrator: "This is the first thing you would grab if the house was on fire? Really?"
That you can't bear the thought of parting with your little battery-operated friend is nothing to be ashamed of. Ask him if he'd willingly go without indoor plumbing, clean running water, or the microwave. And when he responds by saying you're comparing apples and oranges, tell him that the prevalence of vibrators and dildos dates back to before Bible times. If he wants more tangible evidence of the vibrator's special status throughout human history, share this historical tidbit courtesy of Adam and Eve: the vibrator was the fifth household appliance ever to be electrified, after the sewing machine, toaster, tea kettle and fan. Booya!
4. "Is this cereal commercial seriously making you cry?"
First of all, that the cereal commercial isn't making him cry says a lot more about him being a robot than you being overly emotional. But this situation would perhaps benefit most from a redirect--away from the topic of emotional availability to some cold, hard scientific facts about crying. Inform him, for instance, of some facts from LifeBuzz. Like the recent scientific discovery that different types of crying--crying brought on by laughter versus crying brought on by grief--produce different types of tears, which each exhibit different molecular structures when observed under a microscope. Thus, what he so snidely refers to as your "uncontrollable waterworks" is really a fascinating scientific phenomenon. Again, booya!