Old Biography Number Two

Who? I’m Claire Zulkey. Hi!
What? This is my site, cleverly named Zulkey.com. It’s kind of a humor site, kind of a blog, kind of a repository for my writings, kind of an after-dinner mint for the brain.
When? 5 days a week. Oh, and I was born on April 15, 1979.
Where? I dwell in the city of Chicago, the best city in the country, and I won’t hear any guff about it. I’ve also traveled to some cool places too, but that’s another story for another time.
Why? I dunno.
How? This site was designed by Matt Herlihy and is run on Dreamweaver 4 by a team of 200 hamsters running furiously on their shoddily constructed wheels.
A kangaroo? I’m sick of talking about it. Read about it here.
What else? Well, I do these interviews every week and some of my readers sent in questions, answered below. If you have further questions, feel free to send them in and I’ll add them here. Some of them are good question, some of them are silly. I’ll answer them all, though.

Updated: 1/27/06:

Top 5 films, novels, albums etc… and more importantly, why?
Hmm…I stink at these top fives because they always change, but here we go:

1. Rushmore. I saw it in the theaters four times.
2. Gone with the Wind. Thanks, Mom.
3. It Happened One Night. Clark Gable. Mmm.
4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; Because only a brilliant movie makes you appreciate all your exes.
5. Notorious. No-no! Notorious!
6. Addendum: Sixteen Candles. It makes me laugh, it makes me think, and there’s a happy ending for all. And the end, with that Thompson Twins song, always makes me sigh with joy.

1. Me Talk Pretty One Day, by David Sedaris, because it makes me laugh out loud and because it has heart.
2. A Room with a View, by E.M. Forster, because it’s funny, it’s dead-on about travel, and it’s about Florence, my home away from home.
3. Celine by Brock Cole. Because it was the first really good young person’s book I ever read.
4. Lee Miller: A Life, because it’s what I’m reading right now
5. The Secret History by Donna Tartt, because it was my first adult literary guilty pleasure.

1. Armed Forces, by Elvis Costello, because love can be hell.
2. The Best of Blur, because Blur is better than Oasis, and you.
3. Rubber Soul by the Beatles. I think my favorite point in my favorite band’s career.
4. Resigned by Michael Penn. I don’t believe there is another record I’ve gone to bed to more in my life.
5. I’m With Stupid by Aimee Mann. She’s the best female singer-songwriter. The best, Jerry.

What is in your CD player right now?
Come on Feel the Illinoize! by Sufjan Stevens.

What is in your fridge right now?
Diet pepsi, Crystal Light, fresca, carrots, vegetable soup, dressings and one old chorizo sausage.

What cause would you organize a benefit/fundraiser for?
The Make-a-Wish Foundation because in theory, you can’t think of something much more selfless than making an innocent person happy. Also, to cure Alzheimer’s disease, just because I think there’s no other disease I’d less want to see my friends and loved ones have. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Music and sex: is there a difference and why?
Oh yeah. Music is always there for you. You can have your own secret interpretations and fantasies about music and you don’t have to care what anybody thinks about them.

Why are you submitting to this interview?
I’m not submitting to it, I’m cooperating with it.

What, in order of grandeur, are the three most important contributions you’ve made to your community?
I’d say my occasional trips to LifeSource to donate blood, and my tendency to usually not litter.

It’s been said that a person should write what he or she knows. Does this permit a writer to learn new things in order to write about them? What is the threshold for "knowing?"
I think if you think about something, then you know about it, at least a little bit. Of course, this is not to say that you shouldn’t know a lot about what you write. Some of my favorite stories teach me new lessons about things I didn’t know, such as how to make jerky.

If you were to write "The Kama Sutra for Kids," what would the chapter titles be?
"Put this book down right now!", "I mean it!" and "You asked for it!"

As a writer, you are inclined to do what you love and, if you don’t mind my saying, what you are good at. You are writing when I call you late at night, you are writing early in the morning. At work, however, you are only writing things related to work. Recently you even tried to write in your sleep. How did that work out?
I ended up with ink stains on my butt. And then consequently on the toilet seat. There, are you happy? Now nobody will love me.

Why doesn’t biology matter?
It does matter, but not to me. I mean, I don’t care about where the crop and gizzard are on a worm, but I guess it does to some people. Also, it especially doesn’t matter because "Biology Matters" was the one class I ever had to withdraw from in college. Makes me seem pretty intelligent, no?

Coke or Pepsi?
Diet Pepsi, sometimes up to eight cans a day. I recently learned that for some reason, this sweet beverage is the drink of choice for anorexics. I say, "Find a new pop, broomsticks, and stop giving mine a bad name."

Have you ever been trampled by a large animal?
One time a horse sort of stepped on my foot, but it was only on the side and I was standing in some soft mud, so it wasn’t that big a deal.

What’s in here?

What kind of jokes would you consider "crass" if your mother was black and your father was Italian?
Anything about Pope Pimpadelic V.

To what fictional characters have you been compared, flatteringly or otherwise?
Well, once somebody told me that I have a voice like ‘a man,’ so I guess that any male character in the history of fiction.

Are you the center of the universe? If so, what’s it like? If not,
who is?

I’m the center of my universe, and it’s ok. The center of the real universe is, of course, the Rock. Can you smell what he is cooking?

What would you like people to pay you lots of money to do?
This. Or, do hair.

I recently learned that Oprah Winfrey, who purports to be a pretty "centered" person, has someone among her entourage who is a paid "life coach". Who would you nominate to be this person among your staff?
Hmm, anybody but my mother. She’s the Jaid to my Drew Barrymore. She’s one step away from selling my baby clothes on E-Bay.

Which type of birth control do you think most resembles your
personality, and why?


If time is the DIFFERENCE between itself and space, and space is the similarity between the two, then what is their negative extensional field?
Um, something about the wheel? Stop picking on me!

On the train, what do people usually say when you stand in the aisle and sing "Chug-Chug Went the Little Choo-Choo"?
Oh, they’re too busy talking on their cell phones to care. It’s when I start doing a little soft-shoe and rattling my tin cup for money that they start paying attention, as they should.

Do you hate it that Ben Affleck and I are together in your dreams so much?
You, no. Ben Affleck, yes. I hate that guy.

If you could go back and change a question to any of your answers, what would it be? (Isn’t this the secret to how macaroni economists cook the numbers?)
Mm, macaroni. Oh, and I’ll probably constantly change the answers to all these questions, so I encourage you to check back to this site often. Like, every five minutes. So should your friends.

Does it bother you that you are personally responsible for the deaths of 235,000 Sengalese immigrants?
I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening.

If you could be one kind of lubricant, what would it be?
Oh, I’d be the pet rock. That conversation piece has loosened tongues around the world for years and lubricated discussions a-plenty.

Does it hurt when I do this? How about this?
Ow! Ooh.

That’s a mole, right? It has to be.
No, that’s just my face.

Why won’t you play Freebird?
Because all the groupies backstage are fat.

Why did you break up with me?
Because I love you too much.

Because I love me too much.

That’s not good enough. Why?
Because you smell.. Really.

It was Frank from the office, wasn’t it? You like those sporty types. Fuck, why couldn’t I make you happy?
Look, just leave me alone.

Come on, you’re making a scene.

Whose poster hung over your bed in ninth grade?
The Beatles’ Abbey Road. Man, did you hear about how Paul is dead?

Where were you when you heard the news Kurt Cobain had finally shot himself?
Hmm, I think I was a freshman in high school. I have to confess I wasn’t that shaken up by it, but girls did cry and rend their clothing and everything. They all went to state schools.

Of the great films Ralph Macchio has starred in, which would you say holds a special place in your heart?
Is there anything other than the Karate Kid? No.

What is your favorite word that you don’t get to use in everyday

Casino, the Italian word for ‘disaster.’ The phrase "Che casino!" means "What a disaster!" And it’s fun to say when something really inane happens, like when you drop a fork or your hair is blowing around.. I get screwed in that we live in America.

In what art form would you like your memorial made?
Carved butter.

We all love Mikey from the Life cereal add of yore. For what product would you be a good spokesperson?
I have said that I would speak for Diet Pepsi for free as long as I got a lifetime supply of said product.

Or, heroin.

Which is more central to birthday celebrations: candles, white frosting, or paper party hats?
Candles. White frosting tastes gross and paper party hats leave that weird feeling from the string under your chin.

You are locked in a room alone with a Twinkie, a photograph of Claire Zulkey, and a kitten. What do you do?
Put the photo of me face-down. Eat the Twinkie. Pet the kittie.

What three conjunctions describe you best?

If you had to live in a state capitol, which city would you pick?
Tallahassee, because it’s the only state capitol I ever remember, other than Springfield, IL.

Ellen McLaren has designated herself your official stalker. She now has a glass jar labeled "Claire is God" full of my discarded eyelashes. Have you ever had any problems with stalkers?
Well, I hand-pick them myself, sometimes without them knowing it. So, I guess, only when they don’t do their stalking correctly.

If Colin Powell is a "house negro" (according to Harry Belafonte), what does that make President Bush?
An Uncle Tom.

Is it wrong to start a sexual relationship with a man who lives DIRECTLY across the street from you? Would you do it?
Only if he was, like, married or a bad guy or something to make the situation more dire.

Why was Franklin the only black character on Peanuts? And why did he only utter, like, 4 words in his entire film career?
How do you know that none of the other characters were black, but suffered from impetigo? And why can’t being quiet be his character trait? Also, I blame it on Schroeder. With a name like that, you’ve gotta know his favorite color is white.

What character from Clueless would you most liken yourself to?
Amber, because I don’t like balls flying at my nose.

If a balloon pops in the forest, will you still go crazy, cry and call your parents to come pick you up?
So I was afraid of balloons popping when I was a child. Let’s all have a good laugh about it, shall we?

Did you ever find someone to follow you around and fill up your punch glass at your whim?
Hey, everybody…a good thing to do is make no friends when you are a child, because then nobody will remember the stupid things you say and tease you about them later in life.

Did you have Snoopy Snow Cone or an Easy Bake Oven growing up…or were you just deprived?
I wanted both, and I had neither. But I don’t dare say I was deprived or else Zulkey.com will mysteriously cease to exist.

How can Claire Zulkey drink coffee w/no sugar (yuck!)?
When you spend many years drinking coffee with no less than seven Equals in it, you eventually lose your taste for the sweetness.

You took my bike, didn’t you?

It was a Schwinn. A Schwinn Tourney. Don’t act like you don’t know. You took it, didn’t you?
Wait, what?

Whatever. Fine. But if I ever hear that you did, I’m seriously gonna have my brother kick your ass.
Man, I heard your brother, like, took all this acid and now he thinks he’s a glass of orange juice. That blows my mind.

Honestly, categorize for us what you presume your grandmother on your mother’s side sexual demeanor was/is.
Due to the existence of my mom and Aunt Barbara, all I can presume is that she had sex twice, but I can’t be sure.

Where were you when Val Kilmer died?
I don’t want to talk about it.

Don’t you hate pants?
Yes. They always give pantaloons a bad name.

Why do you think most pets don’t get a last name? And when they do, don’t you think it’s dumb that it’s usually their owner’s last name? How about naming pets after celebrities or people you know and like? Doesn’t a setter named Ted Nugent seem cooler than a setter named Daisy?
You don’t seem to realize that I once had an Airedale named Daisy. Daisy Zulkey. Now don’t you feel bad?

Also: Isn’t it weird how box turtles seem like really low-maintanance pets, but then you do your research and it turns out that you have to build them a damned habitat with a cave and bark and exercise space and partial sunlight early in the morning so they can wake up and (literally) get their blood moving?
That is weird. I hear that turtles stink, too.

Has anyone ever thrown you a surprise party? If you were to throw a surprise party, what elements would you include?
Once, in 7th grade, a few friends surprised me in a restaurant. I have friends surprise me from time to time and they always think I know about it ahead of time, as if I’m secretly wondering who’s out there, about the surprise me.

If I were to throw a surprise party, I’d include a lot of lights because that whole turning-off-the-light business is so cliche, you know?

If you were banished tomorrow from the US, where would you want to live out your days in exile?
Able was I, ere I saw Poland.

What are the secrets of joyful communal living?
Dirty feet and constant procreation.

Tell us about a high school experience that was sooooo embarassing.
Ooh, one time in college I got my hair curled for this dance, and by the time I got to the dance, it was straight again. Oh my God!

If you could re-live one day, what would it be?
Hmm. The day I got married and gave birth. I’ll never forget that one. Also, I saved the earth that day, too.

What do you think about this war with Iraq? During the last one, did you ever "tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree"?
No, I did not, because my parents didn’t like such things. I say we hold off on this war with Iraq until there’s a little bit less going on in the news, so it’ll at least seem more interesting.

Do you think that "peace, love and understanding" are funny? Why or why not?
No! There’s nothing funny about that at all. It’s like, stop thinking it’s so funny!

In your opinion, what’s up with the kangaroo?
Well, it doesn’t help that I have a huge birthmark of a kangaroo on my face. Or, you can read about it here.

Do you think it’s cool to steal a wig with someone you hooked up with? Why or why not?
No! Not cool at all! A wig, like CDs or shoes, is something precious and unique that one should never steal. Steal something stupid, like jewelry.

Who are your heroes? (the following shamelessly cribbed from Vanity Fair’s back page "proustian interviews")
Anybody who is like me, only more successful.

What trait do you most admire in a man?
Kindness, intelligence humility and an ability to make somebody laugh.

In a woman?
Same, only with a perfect face and body.

In yourself?
My connected earlobes.

What trait do you least like in yourself?
Physically? My horrible -7 eyesight. Personally? I worry to the point of making everything less fun for everyone else.

When and where you you happiest?
This sounds cornball but my goal in life is to always have the happiest times in the present and future, and not look back and be like, "Man, I wish I was back in high school," or something.

What is your motto?
"You call this a quiche?!"

How did your skin feel the first time you went swimming in a body of water that wasn’t a swimming pool?
I think it was Lake Michigan, so that would be really, really cold.

What made you ‘get busy’ with that guy in 9th grade who had the funny looking half-grown-in mustache?
Because nobody else would.

What was it like waiting tables during the summer of ‘98?
I actually was serving coffee, but same difference. It was low-paying, boring, and I still can’t figure out how to make foamed milk.

Were you to ever be presented with a nude, drunken and willing Ben Brown, what would you do? Let’s just assume you weren’t dating anyone else seriously.
I think I’d put him to bed, put a blanket on him and then go back to baking my pies.

Why do writers write? It’s for sex, isn’t it?
We write for sex and drugs, and also because we secretly want to be performers, but this is the only way we know how.

Sub question: if you were to have sex in a wacky place, where would you prefer that wacky place to be? I’m looking for something more specific than, "America."
The Treasury.

You call yourself "The Incredible Zulk" on some message boards. What sort of silly things have other people called you due to your last name being Zulkey? I already told you this, but my personal preference is "Zed."
You can read about them here. Less original ones are "Claire Bear," although my Dad has called me "Clairewood C. Clairehead III" and my boss sometimes calls me "Claireski."

Did you get mad always being the last in line, alphabetically, and also the person who always got the far back/far right seat in classes where teachers were anal about the alphabet?
It’s actually kind of cool. All those other jackasses are saying "It’s Smith, it’s Jones," while people struggle to find themselves, but I’m always last in line. Unless Todd Zuniga’s around to mess everything up.

If neither of us are (re)married by the time we hit 30, wanna do it? Not get married. Just do it.
If by ‘do it’ you mean fornicate, I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.

The ability to fly is an oft-wished for power amongst the land-lubbing. Given that, why isn’t hang-gliding more popular?
Have you ever seen hang-gliding? Can you think of anything more stupid?

How has lactose intolerance affected your life?
Thankfully, no, in that I don’t have it. I am soy intolerant, though. I call it ‘soyintolerant.’

Who is that guy?
It’s George McFly!

Is sexual love possible between a man and a bowl of pasta?
Based on my attraction to macaroni, I’d say, not really, but you can have a deep spiritual kinship.

If you could be anything in the world, would you be jealous of the things in space?
No, things in space are always pretty dumb.

Why did our love have to die?
Because of my career. Sorry about that.

Say you’re stranded on a desert island, you have your 3 favorite books with you, why didn’t you grab a raft instead of the damn books?
Sometimes I’m forgetful.

Say President Bush puts a ban on pumpkins in a matter of national security just two days before Halloween. Would you go against the government, facing lengthy jail time, in order to continue your most favorite of holiday traditions? Or would you just chuck the damn things and go back to drinking yourself into oblivion?
As long as squash is ok, it’s all gravy. But I’d have to seriously think about it on Election Day.

Describe the color "red" to a blind person. Keeping in mind that this blind person doesn’t want you, some shmuck off the street, talking to them, let alone describing something pointless like colors.
It’s red, can’t you see? You can’t see? Man, that really sucks. Because red is really cool. You really can’t see? Really? What’s that like? Hey, where are you going?

If you were on a train and the person sitting next to you was on a cell phone and you overheard them saying, "Yes, we will be murdering so and so at three in the afternoon", what would you do? Would you worry about your Croatian friend Soandso?
Soandso always had it coming. But I have had those moments where I wonder if the safety of the free world depends on me. I usually just read the ads on the El and try to forget about it.

You’re at a fork in the road. One path leads to an all expense paid "date" with Pat Sajak. The other leads to uncertainty. Which do you chose?
Pat Sajak…like you could ask for a nicer guy, I must say.

Suppose you are forced to shave something into your hair, a la hip-hop fashions of the early ‘90’s. What would you choose?
A picture of my face.

Do you think Neanderthal cave paintings are unfairly judged by their lack of aesthetic quality, and that the content of what is being said should be the primary focal point? Why not?
Well, they have a certain minimalist aestheticism, along with some curious postmodern points, but really, shut the hell up.

Why does the number nine frighten you so much?
Because "Revolution Number Nine" is a scary equation of a horrible ‘song’ being recorded by the best band in history.

Oh, calm down.

Suppose you have somehow contracted jaundice and are now turning a sickly yellow in color. Do you tell people that you’ve got an unusual case of adult jaundice, or do you make up some story, maybe about how you’ve been watching too many reality television shows?
I tell them that this season, yellow is the new tan.

Can you spell this word: ______ ? (I don’t want to give the word away of it’d be too easy)
One time I won a spelling bee by spelling "raspberry" correctly. Is that what you’re asking? For me to brag about my spelling?

If Dante had a few extra rings in his Inferno, ones that were perhaps more pleasant, which one would you want to be in?
The one that has all the puppies in it.

When did you stop beating your wife? (Ha! Gotcha! You’ve admitted it buddy, and now you’re screwed! Wait. What? You’re a woman? Crap.)
She had it coming, ok?

What was with Abe Lincoln’s hat? I mean, wasn’t the guy tall enough as it was?
The scary thing is that underneath that hat, he kept a miniature Abe Lincoln wearing another tall hat, and underneath that one was a little acorn.

What can’t you do that Spiderman can?
Look good in a tight red suit.

You remember that big red dog Clifford? Did they ever explain how he got to be that big? I don’t remember.
That dog had devil eyes.

If you were to eradicate every oak tree from the face of the planet, do you think people would get mad at you? How would you explain yourself? I mean really, c’mon, why’d you get rid of all the oak trees? Sick bastard.
The oak trees killed my mother.

Have you ever turned on the television and seen someone in a starving country and thought, "Hey, that person is pretty sexy"? Does that bother you? Is that why you donate to so many charities?
That’s why they should donate money to me.

Do you think that Richard Dryfuss, a man we’ve come to expect as sort of an aging hippy intellectual/semi-vocal political speaker, has sold out because he’s doing voice-overs for car companies just because they make one car that gets fifty miles to the gallon, but one that they make very few of?

I’m sorry, but do you know how adorable you’d look in a red satin mumuu?
Really? You don’t think this one is too billowing?

Search and Destroy: Saturday Night Live members.
With the current cast, I have to say they’re all ok, although I do want to murder Chris Kattan each time he does Mango.

When you were younger did you want to be named something different? What did you wish your name was? Why did you want a name like that?
I really hated my name. Apparently, I was hoping for a career as a stripper when I grew up, because I distinctly remember wishing my name was either "Crystal" or "Electra." Why? Because, as I always say, kids are dumb. I mean, they’re the future.

What alcoholic beverage can you no longer consume, due to a bad experience with that particular libation?
You know, I don’t recall a particular bad experience with it, but I really cannot tolerate rum. So maybe it was one of those times, where, uh, you don’t remember what happened. That’s weird.

Do you find dwarves or midgets to be attractive? Cartoon characters? Older women? Older Men? (Because, lets face it, everyone is attracted to younger men and women)
Dwarves/midgets, no, not really, but I also don’t find too-tall guys to be attractive either, so it goes on both sides of the coin. Older women; only if they have one of those hacking smokers’ coughs. Older men; only if they have millions of dollars. Or are Elvis Costello. Cartoon characters: Robin Hood from the cartoon Disney version (what a fox!) and Peter Venkman from "The Real Ghostbusters." Nice hair.

What is the most money you have ever paid for a recreational experience (other than one involving plane fare) like a concert, play, movie, theme park?
Hmm…I’m not really sure. Maybe it was the $75 I forked over for U2 tickets once? I try not to ever pay more than a C-note for concert tickets, even if it’s for Elvis.

How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Off the top of my head, I’ll say 20-30. Of brown strappy high-heeled Gucci sandals alone . I’ll have to go count the rest.

What is your earliest childhood memory?
It’s of my brother being born, so I was 2. I was at the hospital, eating a red apple. I seem to recall having received the apple from a vending machine, but I could be wrong. Apparently I was wearing a Tweety Bird shirt at the time, and my mom is still mad at my Dad for dressing me so for the first time meeting my baby brother.

If you were suddenly appointed All Powerful Dictator of America (or the world), what would you do first?
Make sure we beat Europe in the number of vacation days delegated to workers. Oh, and then fix everything and declare world peace and all that stuff. Yawn.
Xanadu, the movie. Good, bad, or indifferent? Olivia Newton John and ELO. Need I say more?
Never saw it, but with that lineup, I’m gonna have to say "go, go, go!"

Which celebrity would you most like to slap upside the head?
It varies from week to week. Usually I say "Gwyneth Paltrow," but her dad just died, so I don’t think I’m allowed to.

Which one of your parents is the smartest?
They both went to grade school, Northwestern University and University of Illinois together, so they’re equally smart. Whew. Escaped that one.

Which one of your siblings is the smartest? Is it you?
I’ll never tell. Me. No, wait. I’ll never tell. (me.)

Name one rule your parents imposed on you that you will never impose on your own children. Name one that you definitely will (assuming that you have children at some point).
That they won’t be allowed to watch "Full House."
Hmm…that they don’t have to live in sanitary conditions, if they don’t want to.

What is the strangest piece of writing you’ve ever had published?

It might have been this, about an old woman who is an erotic photographer. Please remember that ‘strange’ does not mean ‘good’ or ‘without foul language.’

Name an actor or actress who is very successful, but whose success you cannot personally account for. (Example: John Candy. I never thought he was very funny, with the exception of Uncle Buck, OR, Margo Kidder: Why would anyone think that Superman {or anyone} would be attracted to her at all? Skinny, bitchy/whiny and not very pretty. Also, we later discovered, psycho)
I think Carrie Fischer might be a good example of that. I have nothing against her, really, but I don’t really see where she got her career (other than her mother.) Part of this might be that I am not a "Star Wars" person. Sorry, nerdlings-time for you to fall out of love with me.

Recall your worst haircut ever.
No! Actually, when your hair is blah, long and straight, there aren’t many bad things that you can do with it. Other than get an eighth grade perm. Actually, even that wasn’t too bad. I guess I’m just perfect.

What odd area of trivia knowledge would you kick ass in if it had its own Trivial Pursuit category?
Oh, that’s simple: Beatle history.

Have you ever had a pet (or a relative) expire under suspicious circumstances?

I still feel guilty about this one. But back in fifth grade, Mrs. Koushanpour’s class got a sweet new baby hamster: she was so cute and fuzzy. Anyway, I was playing with her once after class, letting her run around in my hand, and she jumped out! She fell about two feet onto the desk below. Mrs. Koushanpour didn’t notice, and I shoved the hamster in the cage and left. The class noticed that the hamster was acting ‘funny’ for a few weeks after, and she finally expired. I really feel awful.

If you formed a band, what would it be called?
The Projects.

How long does it take you to get ready for work in the morning? You do work, don’t you?
It depends on how pretty I want to look, how late I am, how well I’m feeling, etc. So, anywhere between three minutes to 45 minutes max.

Do you sweat when nervous?
Do I! Actually, I sweat from the nose when I’m most nervous. So you’ll know I’m feeling shaky when I’m constantly mopping my face with a soaking rag, like some overworked Baptist preacher. I did have a roommate once who blow-dried her armpits on a regular basis. You know who you are. Several other people probably do, too.

Are you sweating now?
Not really, actually. You have a calming effect.

If you were an exotic virus, what virus would you be?
West Nile, of course-Illinois has the most deaths thus far. Let me hear you, Illinois! Holla! Thrillin-noize!

What is your favorite joke not involving genitalia?
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

stick does not denote ‘penis’

If you had universal omnipotence, what one piece of music would you expunge from the consciousness of the entire planet?
"Angel" by Shaggy. Women should not be referred to as ‘shorty,’ no matter how short they are.

Who is your favorite member of O-Town? Now, explain why you know the identities of the members of O-Town.
If you had substituted O-Town with *N Sync, I would have ruled this question. I guess I’ll say the one with the dreadlocks, as that’s the only identifiable one to me.

You have one pair of scissors and are confronted with Kelly Ripa and Kathy Lee Gifford. Which one do you stab first and why?
Kathy Lee, for sure. Kelly I don’t mind so much. She has nice hair.

What is your favorite clothing accessory?
Clothing? Accessories? Who do you think I am, a millionaire?

If they did a TV bio-movie of Raquel Welch’s life, with Raquel being played by Julia Louis Dreyfuss, would you watch?
Tough call. I’m pro-Julia Louis Dreyfuss, anti Raquel Welch.

A remake of The Pink Panther starring Jim Carrey?
Nah. Jim Carrey is no longer a draw for me, and I’ve never enjoyed the Pink Panther.

OJ Simpson’s life story, starring Brian Fellowes as The Juice?

Of course I’d watch that. It’d be crazy!

A Star Trek- The Next Generation Movie where Picard time-travels back to the Civil War and falls in love with a schizophrenic Southern school-marm played by Mary Kate and Ashley Olson (featuring their very first nude scenes)?
I’m surprised that that hasn’t already been made. Of course I’d watch that!

How many fights have you been in since elementary school? Have you ever "cleaned someone’s clock?"
Nah. The only physical fights I’ve ever been in were with my brother, before he got taller than me. I never really cleaned his clock, though, but I got a few good chops in.

Have you ever sent food back to the kitchen, not because it was bad, but just to establish your identity as an alpha-customer, or in a misguided attempt to impress a date?
Yep, and then urinated on the table.

Innie or outie?

Ick, Innie.

Friends or Survivor? (or Tivo?)

Birkenstocks, Docs, or Tennies?
Tennies? Tennies? Hi, I’m from Chicago. Gym Shoes. On that note, I own all three.

Gay or Straight? (or Bi?)
If it ain’t’ straight, it ain’t straight.

Formula 409 or Windex?
Windex! That blue is so calming. Although I do prefer Fantastik, if you don’t mind.

Photos. Traditional or digital?
Traditional, although I do like that you can erase a bad digital picture before it’s even printed.

Dogs or Cats?

If dogs, big, or small?
Medium to big.

Smoke or snort?

Beer, wine, cocktails, or all of the above?
All of the above. You’re my besht friend, ish what you are.

Leno or Letterman?
Letterman. Who watches Leno?

Steak or Tofu?
Steak or what?

G.W. Bush. "I respect the office of the president," or "he’s one moon pie short of a Stop’N’Go snack rack"
I don’t know if the laws of physics will allow a twenty-something like me to say this, but the former. Also, you can’t argue that he has the hottest immediate family in recent years.

Eminem. "Genius" or "hateful midget wannabe"?
Overrated, but fun.

What’s was your favorite book as a child?
Hmm, I think it was anything by Richard Scarey. Lowly the worm was the only worm that had any mettle, according to me.

What happens when you die? Is there a bright light? Do you become a ghost? etc.
I’m hoping that it’s just one big party where everybody looks fabulous and everything makes sense.

Which is your favorite Beatle, and why?
George, and here’s why:

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