Mortification as birth control

  • Posted on
  • in

5074382224_04ba135966_o.jpgPublic humiliation is guaranteed once you have children. Why is this not used as a way to get young people to avoid teen pregnancy? Nobody hates being publicly humiliated but for teens it's the worst thing imaginable. 

I think if self-conscious high schoolers and college kids had to go through a class where they were obligated to enact the following humiliating scenarios (all of which I have lived in the last few years) they would decide that unprotected sex is just not worth it. 

  • You're hanging out with some new friends like a normal person and then your child decides to walk around proudly with nothing on from the waist down, especially right near the appetizers which are at waist level for him and you have to figure out how to joke about this while also indicating that you don't condone it. 

  • You're hanging out with some people like a normal person when your child pees in the potty, decides to try to empty it himself and stumbles, spilling the pee on the floor and on himself. While trying to be cool in front of your friends you have to decide whether to a.) clean the pee b.) clean the child c.) calm the now-crying child d.) hop on the next SpaceX rocket and leave the planet forever. 

  • You're hanging out with a friend like a normal person at the playground and when your kid poops his pants and you discover you do not have a bag, wipes or extra pants and you are not allowed to die because it's almost dinnertime. 

  • You're hanging out at the playground like a normal person and you suddenly realize that something you're going to do that day is assist your child in pooping on the ground, in front of a complete stranger. 

  • You're at work like a normal person when you get a call from your kid's daycare informing you that your kid has pinkeye, which everybody knows is a poop disease. Every time a new person discovers your child has pinkeye it's like you just announced that you live in a house filled with poop (which you do.) 

  • You're invited to a pool party like a normal person except you have to wear a swimsuit in front of all your friends and all your friends are old like you are and you realize you only see them for about five minutes per morning at dropoff and now they can totally see your body and you can see theirs. 

And the worst one yet:

  • You're hanging out like a normal person and then a baby comes out of your body and all these randos end up seeing your private parts.