What you need to know about entertaining outside this summer

7875947930_f1a8d37533_b.jpgYou better have nice outdoor furniture. Don't bring out some raggedy folding chairs or towels. It better be Sunbrella and there had better be monograms on them.

Don't serve some tacky cheap food. Hot dogs and hamburgers are for people using the free grills at the park. Actually before you even think about hosting an outdoor party have you planted your vegetable garden? Are your vegetables ready to grill? How are your fresh herbs? Don't such a stupid bitch.

You need to find a way to make your tables look nice. A runner and some flowers at the minimum. But some seashells, and placecards, or maybe place cards in seashells is more on point.

You're going to have to figure out a way to do all this and act like it was no big deal, so get on that.

Somehow, you have to figure out a way to serve the most delicious cocktails and to present the most beautiful appetizers and not gorge yourself on all of them and feel fat and drunk before the night is over.

You need more pillar candles. Why are they $50 each.

You can't go back now. Now that you're doing this whole party you have to find an outside party outfit. Probably something like a Clair Huxtable-style tunic but by Tory Burch, white pants, and a metallic sandal. DON'T FORGET TO BOOK THE PEDICURE.

Your servingware is so disgusting and terrible. Look at your life. Why don't you think for a minute before you commit to a party you are obviously not good enough to throw?

Playlist! You forgot a playlist. How about Pandora? Better pony up for the paid version so that people won't go home talking about how you let commercials run during your party.

Ooh, ooh, don't forget to get stuff out for the kids to play with. Oh my god, the baby pool is covered with spider nests. Put down the half-made guacamole and clean that shit out.

What are you doing for dessert?! Think, bitch, think. You could make your own ice cream sandwiches but you are still too stupid to figure out how to get all the cookies to end up the same size. Maybe boozy homemade popsicles? Better get to the store and figure it out. NOW. GO.

Make your husband figure out a way to get the Christmas lights up in a nice way. Refuse to give him any instructions and contemplate divorce if he doesn't do it right.

Your mom just sent you an article about how the West Nile mosquitoes and the Zika mosquitoes are breeding to create a super-deadly mosquito. Shut it down.