List: Mixed Messages Delivered, In Order, By a Magazine I Won't Name Because I Paradoxically Still Want to Contribute to It Thus Making Myself Part of the Problem

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Before we get to that: Chicagoans, I hope you're coming to Funny Ha-Ha! Now on with the list:

Get some free things

Buy things


Don't-exercise by wearing footwear that exercise for you

You don't need any makeup: just a smile

Buy Maybelline Expertwear Eyeshadow

Don't you dare make yourself vulnerable to the sun

Don't you dare presume to go out in public without a fake tan

Ride a bike

Buy a car

Make your meals

Buy these snacks

Don't be hungry

Lose ten pounds

Save money

Subscribe to this magazine

Get out in the fresh air

Check out these apps for tracking your diet