Why I Won't Be Watching LeBron James' Announcement

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Basketball is pretty much dead to me. Sure, I'll get into it when there's something to be into, IE a team I kind of care about doing well (the Hoyas, Illini or Bulls.) I am such a bandwagon jumper when it comes to basketball it's not even funny. I don't care. I'm shameless. After the kind sunny years of the Michael Jordan empire, I tuned out from basketball and when I do come back to it, it's too much. It's too fast and exhausting! All that running back and forth. I got used to baseball and football where not much happens until it does. Plus, a lot of the trappings of basketball just seem dated to me, I guess because the Michael Jordan days were completely tied into the culture of the '90's. But they're still playing "Whoomp! (There it is)" at the United Center, fifteen years later.

Let's not encourage this
. I liked LeBron James because he did a funny job hosting "SNL." Then I heard about him being something of a turd. Then I heard him being rather turdish on "Fresh Air." So I don't like him anymore and from somebody you don't like, this isn't an exciting announcement, it's an exercise in ego. Yes he's a good player but I'm one of those people who can't like a player if he's not at least good at pretending to be a classy person. I would much rather watch an hourlong special on Paul the World Cup predicting octopus.

The bullshit cycle of sports analysis is exhausting. Whatever team he goes to there's going to be endless analysis of how he'll fit in with the team, coach and city (I bet whatever city he goes to has world-class fans) and additional talk of why he didn't pick the other cities. Ugggh.

It's scary. For some reason this seems to be the kind of thing in an action movie as the setting for something horrible taking place. Aliens coming to earth. The President getting kidnapped. Can't you imagine what a television shitstorm that would be, to have this big announcement interrupted by something awful, with millions of people frightened and confused? No thank you.

I'm doing something else anyway. Plus, "So You Think You Can Dance" is on.