So there is this famous octopus, in case you didn't know. His name is Paul and he predicted the winners of, like, every game of the World Cup. His feeders put his food into two boxes, each with a flag on it, and whichever box he opened up first, won. I thought this was the cutest thing in the world when I heard about it, I guess because I tend to think octopi and squid are very funny animals (like I love the tradition of throwing the octopus on the ice at hockey games, and my husband once kissed a dead squid to make me laugh). Then I watched a video of Paul doing his thing and not only was it awesome, I learned that Paul is also very beautiful and mesmerizing himself. I mean, he's an octopus, come on. Look at those tentacles go!
So I had no other stake in the World Cup Sunday other than that Paul had picked Spain, so I was going to go with Paul, not so much that I believed he would be right, but that I wanted him to be right. How awesome would it be, to know that if you're with the fish, you're a winner? I wanted him to vindicate himself, and not prove to the doubters and the haters. It's like that first time Biff places a bet in "Back to the Future II" from the sports almanac of the future and he realizes he has something fantastic and profitable and supernatural going on. But I think a psychic sea creature is way better than a sports almanac from the future.
And poor Paul already does have haters, and what did he do to deserve them? He's not Lindsay Lohan, you know. He's just doing a good, amazing, wonderful, profitable thing. Some people even want to murder Paul because they're mad he didn't pick their team to win. Well, they should look inwards, because they're the ones with the real problems, not Paul.
But I'm surprised not more people are excited about Paul. Paul the Prognosticating Octopus is the closest thing we have to Sebastian the Singing Crab from "The Little Mermaid." What kind of world do we live on where an octopus that can see into the future and follows soccer and isn't afraid to let us know is considered lame? Frankly, if people started a religion around Paul, I wouldn't blame them. Although I don't know if I can join, I bet he comes with some weird dietary restrictions.
Apparently Paul is hanging up his soothsaying capabilities for the time being, which I think is a very classy way to go. He's not holding a press conference to let us know which sport he'll be predicting next, or coming out with a rap album, or a perfume line. Of course if he comes back around and makes a big deal about his comeback, and then retires again and does it all over again, changing color all the while, I might have to think twice about him.