Open Letter to the Youngish Blonde Quasi-Plump Lady in the Silver BMW on Lake Shore Drive This Morning

  • Posted on
  • in

Dear Lady:

First, I apologize if this description feels a bit unflattering but it's just for description's sake. If you were an Asian man I'd say "Asian man." If you were an old lady I'd say "old lady." If I were really trying to slam you I'd say "Dumb stupid idiot" but I'm trying to be objective.

I know driving is boring. We do it all the time and that commute can be super-tedious. We've all seen the lake and the beach and the skyscrapers and the mansions time and time again. And the radio/audiobook/satellite/thinking out loud/talking on the speakerphone can get equally boring. So that's why you sometimes need to do something to spice things up. I get it. Talking on your phone while driving is both entertaining and provides a bit of excitement to the day to day. You never know, you could get into an accident. Or you could have some brown-haired girl in a VW Sportwagen try to get your attention and shame you into getting off your phone. That rarely works/happens but sometimes it does.

I know talking on your phone while driving also gets boring. Everybody does it, right? So I guess I see why you also chose to read while driving. Clearly you are a smart, important lady or else you wouldn't be driving a BMW or have the ability to talk and drive and read and drive. So I assume that you were reading something very important as you drove on the road with hundreds of other people around you. Or maybe not. Maybe it was something fun and lively, or perhaps spiritually enlightening, because you need it and deserve it. Look at you! Reading and driving. Not everyone can do that. Oops, wait, got to make another phone call.

I tried to get my husband to move into the lane next to you so I could yell at you to quit being such a goddamn idiot and just drive but he knew better. He knew that you are a sophisticated woman of the world and don't need a yahoo getting in your important business, ruining your life. Somebody yelling at you while you're trying to focus on your reading/driving could cause you to get into an accident, too! People can be so dangerous and dumb and self-centered.

May I recommend, for future occurrences, tinted windows? That way you can read/drive/talk in peace without people looking at you and judging. Plus, if and when you get into an accident, you can safely hide the reading materials/phone before anyone gets there so they'll know you're not a complete moron jerk and just an important lady, trying to get to work.


Claire Zulkey