Hey there friend with whom I wouldn't be in touch without Facebook,

I notice it's your birthday! Thanks to Facebook anyway. And even though we don't communicate at all, I still would like to send you the kindest greetings of this day, this very special birthday. I don't know if you're unemployed, whether you lost the use of your legs in an accident, whether your mother just died but I do want to wish you a happy happy and hope you have an awesome day! I'd even like to send you an electronic cake or present.

But I can't do these things because you set your Facebook page so that nobody can post anything on your Wall. Why would you do something like that? Did you perhaps do it by accident? Or maybe you work for the government or something. Maybe you're just a jerk. But I'd like for you to know that it's prohibiting me from wishing you a happy birthday on your wall.

I bet it's preventing a lot of people from doing so as well. How can you fully enjoy your birthday without having a bunch of people who you don't talk to very much wish you a happy birthday on your Wall? Do you even know that it's your birthday? Maybe you forgot because you haven't checked in on Facebook lately.

I suppose there are other ways for me to wish you a happy birthday. I could call you or send a card or text you but these things are all inferior because nobody can see me doing it and it also takes more than 10 seconds to do. What's the point of me wishing you a happy birthday if everyone can't see me doing it? I suppose I could put "just sent Harriet a happy birthday card!!" in my status updates but then all my other Facebook friends will wonder whey I don't send THEM a card.

It's starting to make me...irrationally angry and frustrated that you won't open your Facebook wall up if just for this day. And it's starting to make me wonder, is it closed because you're mad at me for some reason? Is there something I did? Did I invite you to join Zombies too frequently? Is it because I tagged the back of your head in all those high school photos? There has to be some reason why you would do something like that and basically ruin my day by preventing me from wishing you a good day.

So you know what? I don't hope you have a happy birthday. I hope you have a crappy birthday because you are not following society's rules and you must be punished. I hope my other 10 Facebook friends who share the same birthday as you DO have a happy birthday and you do not. I'm starting to think I might not even send you a link to my fan page now.