Look, I SAID I was sorry

I swear, I really didn't know those 45 seconds were going to go by so quickly. Of course I didn't practice my part of the speech because that would have been presumptuous. And I'm sorry that I didn't return your calls last week--I didn't know that you were calling to coordinate our speech. I honestly was just sort of sick of you after the last few years of working together and thought you felt the same. But that is NOT why I cut off your speech--I really didn't mean to do that.

I really am sorry, I really, really am. Do you want my Oscar? Because then you can have two and I will have none, which is what I deserve because I'm a terrible, terrible person.

Look nobody will remember this tomorrow anyway. Neither one of us is famous or anything. So even if you had said something it's not like it would likely have gone down in history or be quoted or anything.

I don't think it's very fair of you to mention your mother. I DID say "parents" which I think everyone assumed meant "our parents."


Maybe you should have just walked a little faster and gotten to the podium first. Just kidding. No I'm not. I totally am. Look, are we over this now?

There's always next year, right?