Hey Teens! Read!

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This is Teen Read Week and I would just like to take the very controversial stance that teenagers should read. Here are some reasons why:

--Reading makes you popular. It's true. Reading books is such a foolproof system in terms of making people like you, and sometimes want to ask you to the seasonal school dance, that nobody talks about it. It's a secret. But read a book and you'll find out that everybody wants to be your friend...and more.

--Reading gets you high. Another secret fact. Reading sends you on this awesome trip where you feel more relaxed yet vigilant, food tastes better and music sounds great, even stupid jam band music. But the best part is, nobody tests for reading-highs. They would be illegal if the authorities knew how awesome it is so in the meantime, read up before you have to get a prescription for it.

--Reading makes you thin. But not TOO thin. Not the kind of thin that is unhealthy. Unless you want to look unhealthy. No, forget about that. Reading is good for your body, let's just say that.

--Reading makes you attractive to [name of your favorite celebrity].

--And finally: reading justifies my existence.