Read My Face

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Several weeks ago I was reading an issue of Cosmo for some reason and came across this little charticle:

I couldn't believe that this got written and published. Are the readers of Cosmo really that simple that they can't tell the difference between a "contemptuous" versus a "polite" face?

But then, last night, my husband came up to me and said "Excuse me, but would you mind please helping me unload the dishwasher? Thank you in advance." I had no idea what he meant by that, though. Was he saying I was fat? Was he cheating on me? Was he even speaking English? All I had to go on were the words coming out of his mouth and this face:

Fortunately I had kept the chart and I consulted it. Oh! He was being polite.

"Sure, I will help you," I said.

"Why did it take you so long to answer me?" he said (it was now twenty minutes after he had asked and he had just unloaded the dishwasher by himself). "Anyway, thanks for all your help. I really appreciate it. I'm just going to go back to work now. Feel free to sit on the couch some more and watch TV."

"OK!" I said, but I had a nagging feeling that there was something else behind what he was saying. Was he sad? Was he asking me to go on a second honeymoon with him? Was I pregnant? I checked the Cosmo chart again:

Ohhh. He was being contemptuous of me!

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Are you feeling OK?" he asked. "Did you fall down or something? You're acting a little...weird. Like you damaged your brain."

Once again, that chart came in handy! At first I thought he was asking me if I wanted to go bowling or that he was telling me he was cheating on me, but once I looked several times I knew:

He was being sensitive. What a nice guy! And what a helpful chart.

(PS I wrote about Dexter and Saturday Night Live this weekend)