Lazy Post of the Day: Vortex Experiences

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I thought these excerpts from Sedona Vortex Experiences that I found online are really inspirational and great at making you feel present (which you can only seem to do if you pay someone to help you do so). If you want to set up an appointment with the shaman who runs these vortex experiences, he is offering a 10% "Obama discount" (really) and you can go here to set it up. However I can lead you around my neighborhood and give you exactly the same experience for half as much money. However, just to warn you ahead of time, if I'm really trying to recreate the Sedona Vortex Experience, you can expect to be invited into another world, join forces with your animal totem, be invited by an "old Grandmother tree" to lay on one of its healing branches, be whispered to by some stones after you whistle a Native American tune (which I assume you know), and ask a tree permission to open a special vortex. I mean, Vortex. Also you may have a complimentary can of Fresca at the end.

Here are some of the experiences the shaman relays on his blog, though, which I can't guarantee on the Zulkey Vortex Experience:

There is a magical trail that winds through the Vortex Circles and near the first powerful circle you will find a beautiful green bush that stands seven feet high and six feet wide. I have become friends with this bush and every time I guide clients to this special place, I stop and give the bush a big hug and talk with it. I love this friendly bush--he represents openness to me. I always feel welcomed by his spirit. It's a male bush. How do I know this? It's what I do for a living! Trust me! Each time the bush says the same thing to me: "I'm very green!" When I hear him speak this phrase, a gentle warmth flows me. I feel myself smiling deep in my soul.

The Rock People are strong and solid. They have much wisdom they want to offer you if you are open to listening

When I saw that scene of the Red Rocks in Forrest Gump, I heard myself whispering, "That's my place, my place."

I had the pleasure to guide a very gifted chiropractor to The Vortex Circles, a new sedona vortex I discovered. As we crossed over a flat red rock plateau, something inside me said--"turn around!" I looked behind me and fifty feet in front of me I saw the air go hazy and vertical slit appear. Suddenly, an elephant walked out of the slit! I have seen many animal totems appear but never quite this way--it was if I saw the elephant come thru the veil between the worlds. I knew this was important event for my client and told him so.

We were walking down a narrow trail and suddenly I saw coming towards us a little race car driven by a little forest creature! Then another one right behind it! I trust my clairvoyance but this was really far out! So I relaxed and looked again--another race car and driver came barreling down the path, the driver whooping and hollering! These forest creatures looked like a cross between the Ewoks from Star Wars and Mag-wy, the good Gremlin. Still doubting this, I checked in with my guides and asked if I was seeing what I was seeing. They nodded, chuckling.

Cheap joke to finish off this cheap post--the fella who runs this site finishes off all his columns with the phrase "A Ho," which I think is what he spends all the monies from these tours on. Thank you, you're too kind! I'll be here all night.