Second-Hand Stories

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Sometimes you hear a story that's not your own but it sticks with you forever so I asked you guys if you've got any of those. Enjoy.

From Nick Foster:

I was catching up with a friend the other day, asking him how his Halloween was and if he was able to pull off his long-planned costume. (He had been planning on going to a party as "Three Men and a Baby". He with Selleck-esque fake moustache and a print-out of the poster mounted on cardboard, so he'd have Ted Danson and The Guttenberg on each side of him.) "Well, I pulled it off, but it was, uh, kinda rough," he said. I just assumed that he wasn't able to set the poster up around him like he'd hoped. "No, surprisingly, that was the easy part." My friend then went on to tell me that he had all the pieces for the costume together, but still had to pick up a baby doll to carry around with him to be "a Baby". So, he stopped into his local Walgreen's to purchase a baby doll. Of course, like all baby dolls, they were on the very top shelf, necessitating a stockperson to get a ladder to get one down. My friend, who is white, asked the nearest employee to help him out. This employee happened to be a young African-American gentleman. My friend explained to the employee, who was too young to know of "Three Men and a Baby," why he needed a baby doll, because otherwise, it would've been far too creepy. The Walgreen's employee went up the ladder, and came down with a baby doll for my African-American baby doll. Awkward. My friend asked, hesitantly, if he could please get another baby doll....a "white one." "Why? They're all the same," was the response he got from the clerk. "Um, actually...they're not," would've been far too uncomforable/seeminly racist of a response. So, to avoid being labeled a racist by a Walgreen's clerk, my friend apparently went into a long explanation of both himself and Tom Selleck, who he was trying to pass himself off as, were white, and that nobody would believe the "Baby" was his, unless he/she too were white. Moral of the story? Emulating Tom Selleck makes you appear to be racist. Don't do it.

From Rachel Krueger:

Ok, so my friend's brother's friend (ok, I know. Almost enough removed that I'm skeptical, but I NEED to believe that this story happened) was house-sitting for this older couple who had gone on vacation for 2 weeks, and also looking after their really, really old dog.

Two days after the couple leaves, the dog dies. The girl feels terrible, so she phones them up all, I'm sorry but your dog is dead.

They're all, That's fine, we figured it might happen. Would you do us a favor, though, and take him to the vet to be disposed of so that he's not sitting around all rotty when we get home?

The girl says yes because obvs she feels awful, but she hasn't got a car and you can't take a dead dog on the bus.

Except! She grabs an old suitcase and puts the dog in it and voila. So she's on the bus with this suitcase full of dead dog next to her, but it's totally creeping her out, so at the next stop she gets up to put the suitcase in the overhead compartment.

But a dead dog is an awkward and heavy thing, so she's having a bit of trouble. This guy notices that she's having a bit of trouble, so he gets up to help her and he's all, This suitcase is pretty heavy and awkward! What's in it?

And she's speakers?

So the guy grabs the suitcase and runs off the bus.

From Annie Logue:

Okay, I heard this about some people I knew in college. There was a woman I knew who was very social climby, and her parents were, too. At a reception near graduation for children of alumni, her father was introduced to someone and didn't hear the man's name clearly, just the city. "Oh, you're from Atlanta, one of my really good friends from college lives there, he has a really great job, blah blah blah, maybe you know him, his name is Joe Dokes." To which the other man said, "I'm Joe Dokes."

And a few from Aileen Gallagher:

My sister's friends were on their honeymoon in India and the husband was taunting a little chained-up monkey. Corey told him not to do that, but he ignored her and laughed in the monkey's face. A couple hours later, they're sitting at an outdoor cafe. The monkey shoots out of nowhere and runs up Tom's arm and rips his glasses of. The money than twists and stomps on the glasses, which were, of course, Tom's only pair. I often re-tell a friend's story about buying drugs from a guy in a van named Chicken. You'd call Chicken and then wait on the street for his white van to come by. You hop in the white van, ride around the block, and buy your drugs. Chris calls and is down on the corner. A white van pulls up and he hops in. The guys in the van turn to him and say, "Who the fuck are you!" Wrong van, of course. Chris apologizes profusely and tries to get out but they won't let him go, instead asking him over and over who he is and why he got in their van etc. etc. He finally gets flustered and says, "Look, I thought you were Chicken!" They quiet down immediately. "Chicken? You know Chicken?" "Yes," said Chris. "I thought you were him." "No problem," said the scary van guys as they let him out. My friend Molly ran into Evan Dando from the Lemonheads in the Village once. He was high or drunk or both, and looking for a liquor store. He asked Molly for directions to one but then couldn't follow them, so she offered to walk him. He kept saying to her, "Have you ever tried laughing without smiling? It's impossible. Try it." He would try it himself, saying "Ha. Ha. Ha" all deadpan and then burst out laughing. Molly left him at the liquor store saying "Ha. Ha. Ha." like a robot.

From Lisa Leone:

Probably the funniest second-hand story i have ever heard that doesn't involve puke:

This guy I used to work with at a deli in college and I used to play a "funniest story" game. He ALWAYS won. He was working at Rizolli's, a really snobby bookstore. He always felt out of place, though, because it was so snooty. One day, he went to work -- he went to the break room to clock in. There was a huge tray of donuts on the table. He asked a few coworkers if they were there for everyone or if there was a managers' meeting -- but no one knew the answer. So, he was alone with the donuts, not knowing if he should have one or not. If he got caught eating one and they were for the managers he would get in trouble. He was suffering torment from this dilemma, and finally came up with the brilliant idea to shove the entire donut in his mouth -- eliminating the chance of getting caught in the act. No one would know it was him. So he grabbed a donut and shoved it in his mouth whole. he had spent so much time developing this solution that an irritated page came over the store intercom for him to get to the register immediately. The donut was so big in his mouth that he could not chew it, so all he would do was make his way to the front of the store while the donut slowly melted in his mouth.

On his way to the register, he saw the most beautiful baby boy sleeping in a stroller. He was sure this baby was an angel -- blond curls circling his head, like one of those cherub paintings. He stopped for a moment to admire the baby, and opened his mouth to emit a silent "aaawwww." Just then the huge doughy ball rolled out of his mouth and lodged itself between the sleeping baby's shoulder and his angelic head of curls.

The baby kept sleeping, undisturbed. The mom was just a few feet off looking at books and was none the wiser. He freaked out -- if he tried to get the doughy ball off the baby surely he would wake up and cry, and the guy would have to explain how this saliva-covered ball of dough landed on her angelic son. So he panicked, and ran to the register, told his manager he was sick and had to go home, and left, without even returning to the break room for his things. Leaving that poor mom to discover the big doughy ball all on her own.