Half of a Conversation Between Tatum O'Neal and a Police Officer

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You know who I am, right?

No?

I'm Tatum O'Neal, the actress. Yeah, that's me!

Yes, that is my crack. Yes, I was buying it. But you don't understand--I'm researching a part.

A part in a movie, silly! Yes, as a junkie.

What's the movie about? Well, it's about a junkie, duh.

What happens in the movie? Well aren't you quite the movie buff. Um...it's about a junkie with a famous father who makes some movies as a child. Yeah. And she struggles and stuff. And then, uh, she grows up and marries a tennis player and then they get divorced. And since I'm a method actor I need to see what it's like to be on the streets and buy drugs.

Who else is in the movie? You're quite nosy, aren't you? Let's see...it's also got Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, Uma Thurman, Tom Hanks, Will Smith....Tom Cruise...Clint Eastwood...do you want more names? Rip Torn, Jack Black...you know?

It's called "Junkie."

No release date yet but I think if you go home you can find it on IMDB.

If you give me that crack back I'll let you have a production credit on the movie.

It's being directed by Steven Soderbergh. I have his number at home if you let me go home--I can text it to you.

Half the proceeds are going to the earthquake victims, too.

Can I have my crack back now, please?

Hello?

My palms itch.

It's hot.

Hello?

What?

You pigs have no sensitivity for the arts.

*************************

Hey Chicagoans: pick up a copy of RedEye today to see a new column of mine.

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