So! You Want to Lay Someone Off

The time has come, hardworking employer: that sweet moment when you get to lay off one of your least favorite workers. Nothing could be finer than getting rid of dead weight in the office, and letting that person know, face-to-face, that you don't ever have to see him again, that you personally will be responsible for eliminating him of his income and pride. He's had it coming.

Here are some tips for firing someone in the most satisfying way possible:

Do It On a Monday: For safety reasons and for the softest mental impact, guides often recommend firing someone on a Friday, so that he'll have the weekend to come to terms with his termination. However if you want to inflict maximum damage, grab him on a Monday morning, on his way for his first cup of coffee. Let him know that you will expect the rest of the week from him and more, if necessary, to train his replacement. Lean in close and whisper that if he tries anything funny, you have 'connections' that could make his life, or his family's, a living hell.

Make the Announcement Long and Drawn-Out. When you meet with him, chitchat with him about his weekend, his family, his latest projects. Tell him he's been doing a great job. Ask him about his favorite sports team. Maybe get a little too personal with your own information, like hint at problems in your marriage. Then say "Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, you're fired."

Make It Public: Fire him at his desk, or at the lunch room, or in the reception area. When you are listing your reasons for firing him, ask passers-by, "Am I right?"

Tell Him It's Personal: You can let him know that while the decision came down from HR and that technically it's out of your hands, you will be glad to see him go. List some of his most annoying habits, like the way he always cleared his throat before speaking in company meetings, or the way he always burned his popcorn, or the stupid pictures of his kids on his desk.

Eat Pizza With Extra Garlic Before Explaining His Severance Package To Him.

Stand By His Desk While He Packs Up His Things. And ask to see (with your hands) everything that he puts in his meager box.

Announce "Hey everyone! We're going out to lunch to say goodbye to So-and-So. I hope nobody was planning on driving home today." Ask So-and-So to man the phones while you're out.

Do A Little Dance When You're Done. And say "boo-yah."