Putting the Maid in Maid of Honor

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OK so I tried to hold off on writing about bridal stuff but what do you want from me? I'm an out of control bridezilla. Yesterday my maid of honor showed me a few websites that listed out the duties of a maid of honor. I guess I'm sort of a laid back bridal type but I was surprised by the number of tasks a bride seems willing to put upon her poor so-called friends. I figure that these are women whose mothers aren't able to take care of a lot of the details (like mine) or who just really wanted the chance to make their friends miserable for a few months (which admittedly is me too). Check them out:

  • Lead the bridesmaid troupe. It's the maid/matron of honor's job to direct the other maids through their duties. Make sure all bridesmaids get their dresses, go to dress fittings, and find the right jewelry. Also provide them with the 411 on all prewedding parties. Threaten to scratch their faces the morning of the wedding if they don't comply.
  • Sigh repeatedly during the wedding and say "I wish that when my own day comes, it will be as beautiful as this, but I know that that's impossible."
  • Offer to help the bride with prewedding tasks, from addressing invites to choosing the wedding colors and nodding enthusiastically when she waxes poetic about wedding cake. If your neck doesn't hurt from so much nodding, you are A BAD FRIEND!!!!!!

  • Spread the news about where the bride and groom are registered, perhaps with a torch and bell.
  • Be the witness in the signing of the marriage license which is an honor! It's not like just anyone can do this. Remember that every task given to you is an honor. Every. One.
  • Many times the groom does not want to go to register with his bride-to-be. You can be very supportive by going with your friend to register for her wedding gifts and agreeing that it's not a bad sign that the groom wants nothing to do with this--it's that he's just very busy, is all, and important, and stressed out, and you're sure that everything will be fine, and that the bride should be more careful and stop falling down the stairs all the time.
  • Help the bride change for her honeymoon and take charge of her gown after the ceremony. Arrange for storage in a safe place until she returns. Don't you dare think of trying it on.

  • Lend an ear. Whether it's about the planning, the marriage, or the registry china patterns, the MOH should assure the bride that she has someone with whom she can share her thoughts. Even if she seems to dwell on the same subjects repeatedly, the MOH keeps listening, and plotting her revenge.

  • Keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and showers (or delegate an ugly bridesmaid to handle this).
  • Arrange the bride's train and veil before the ceremony begins and just after she arrives at the altar. The MOH might also need to help her bustle the train for easy dancing at the reception. Do not make eye contact with anyone.

  • Make sure the bride takes a moment to eat something -- refresh her drink, get her a plate of food from the buffet table, or instruct the wait staff to keep her entree warm. Reassure that the bride looks like she needs to eat because she's soooo skinny.

  • Dance with the best man during the formal first-dance sequence and possibly be announced with him at the beginning of the party. Also dance with other groomsmen, the groom, and others. Mate with him if the bride wishes.
  • Troubleshoot emotional crises. In most cases, this will require lots of tissues, hugging, hair-smoothing and possibly the purchase of an illegal firearm.
  • Keep the bride laughing. Because you are a clown