Deaf and Dumb

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I'm very excited for my site to be listed in Chicago magazine as one worth checking out, but of course now I can't come up with anything good to write about because I'm obsessed with my ear. Several months ago I noticed a rattling sensation from within my right ear whenever I was around something especially noisy, or even if I talked or laughed loudly (which I always do because I demand attention constantly.) I kept hoping it would go away but now I'm convinced I have ear cancer, if there is such a thing, especially because I am also convinced I have an ear bone spur, if that exists either.

Of course I only have myself to blame. I wear incredibly invasive earphones when I wear my Ipod, because I like to significantly increase my chances of getting hit by a car of pulled away by a bad guy when I'm on the street. And also I probably listen to my music too loud, but that's just rock and roll, man, what are you going to do? Cramp my style? I don't think so.

But my biggest fault is that I am an inveterate Q-tipper. The slightest sensation of itchiness inside my ear has me running to the bathroom for a good swabbing. Very few things feel as good to me as standing in my bathroom, one Q-tip in each ear, just cleaning things out. I know it's not good for you and that rattling noise in my ear is probably a Q-tip that got lost in there one time.

But I have no regrets. I like my ears--they're connected, which I think makes me more streamlined and evolved than my free-hanging brethren, and I like to keep them clean to boot. If I go deaf, at least no one can say, "Well, that's what she gets for keeping her ears in such disarray." I hear recovered heroin addicts never regret the time they spent high, and I think I will go unrepentant as well about my swabbing history.