Some Failed Costumes

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Yes, so it's Halloween, and I'm wearing an orange jacket to commemorate it. It's not my most favorite holiday ever. I do like candy, but I don't really need a holiday to remind me of it. I think my antipathy towards the holiday is just generally about the costumes. In college, I resented all the girls wearing the traditional skanky outfits: you know them, nurse, cat, devil, angel, unspecified prostitute-looking thing. I probably was just jealous that I couldn't look good in those outfits nor had the balls to even try to carry them off. But more generally, I just tend to fail at costumes. I wish I could be one of those people who is able to pull off clever or cute costumes. When I learned that there was going to be a costume contest at the Office convention last weekend, I thought it would be the lamest thing ever, a bunch of people walking around in suits and sweater sets. It didn't even occur to me that people could come up with much cleverer ideas. My brother demonstrated this skill at an early age--when he was only about 10 or 11 or so he decided to go as an IRS agent, wearing a trenchcoat, fedora, glasses and carried a suitcase that he taped in white "IRS" on and stuck fake money to hang out of. My costumes though always lacked execution and concept. First, they'd fall apart somehow and then people would fail to get them and thus the night would end in general feelings of stupidity. Here I present to you some of my least-successful Halloween costumes:

PUNK ROCKER: I don't really feel that much shame for this because I think every kid my age tried this tack but I have a photo of me as a "punk rocker" and what this consisted of was some purple hairspray that didn't really show up, a bunch of fake colored pearl necklaces and a windbreaker decorated with a bunch of my mother's pins. I think it says a lot about me that when I attempted "punk" as a kid, I ended up as "'80's poster child."

STATUE OF LIBERTY: The green face paint, robe and headpiece were fine but you try trick or treating when you're carrying a paper-covered flashlight and big book.

BEETLEJUICE: I couldn't get my hair to stand on end so I just looked like...I don't know what, someone with really messy hair.

A PERSON PAINTED HALF BLACK AND HALF WHITE: I don't recall what I was going for with this look, maybe that I'd look like a cool harlequin or something like that. It was just lame.

PRETENSION: I was invited to a concept costume party. I wore all black, funky glasses, a black beret and carried around a copy of Proust. The second I put the book down, I just looked like I was wearing clothes.

DRUNK BRIDESMAID: Last year I went to a fun wedding-themed Halloween party. A friend of mine had gotten married the summer before and I got to wear a beautiful light blue tulle Vera Wang bridesmaid gown. I was excited for the chance to wear it again, and thought it would be fun to add a little something to it by going as a sad, drunk bridesmaid. So I messed up my hair, splashed water on my eyes after I'd applied the mascara, took a bouquet of flowers and beat the hell out of it and carried around an empty bottle of champagne. I had forgotten the lesson that having a costume where you have to carry anything around is a bad idea. The other one is that the drunk "look" doesn't really come across without actually being drunk.

Anyway, this year I contemplated going as a cat burglar or something like that but realized that the painted-on mask I so wanted to wear would probably get messed up somehow and once again I'd just look like I was wearing clothes, so I simply procured a pair of fancy custom-fit vampire fangs and called it a day. I just wear regular clothes and makeup and put the fangs on. They look really good, too, and I can even drink while I wear them. The only thing is that I sort of have a lisp when I wear them and sometimes I have to repeat myself when I talk so I suppose that makes me Vampire With a Speech Impediment. I want to thuck your blood!

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