Today is the day to get off my plane.

The past few years I've been very hard at work in the small laboratory I have set up in my studio apartment. I've been trying to find the answer that everyone's been looking for: a diet drug that works. Fortunately, after many years of hard work and experiments and hypotheses and things like that, I've come up with it. It's called Zalli because my last name begins with a "Z" and you can't spell "Zalli" without "I," and I certainly couldn't have done this without myself.

Here's how it works. You come to me in my laboratory/apartment and I do some official tests on you to determine if you are fat. Once I have done so and recorded your weight, I put you on my Zalli plan. Here is the thing though: Zalli has some extremely severe side effects, ones I won't even tell you about (trust me, they have to do with the butt.) So, while you may be approved for Zalli after your first visit ($200), you will not be given Zalli until you follow strict instructions.

You see, Zalli is extremely potent (see: the butt thing) and not just any human can take it. You must prepare your body first. It's very simple, though. For 30 days before taking Zalli, you prep following my patented pre-Zalli method. It entails not weighing yourself, eating no more than 1600 calories a day and getting at least 30 minutes of cardiovascular exercise 4-6 days a week.

Don't doubt me here. Just tell yourself that this is the only way you're able to obtain the miracle diet drug that will solve all your problems. I will be watching you. Or rather, one of the people I've hired will be watching you. If you don't prep adequately, Zalli will severely disfigure you, even maybe kill you, and we can't have that. No prep, no Zalli.

Once you've completed your 30 day trial period, you will be given your first dose of Zalli. Zalli may resemble a common multivitamin. It is not.

After you take the pill, I will weigh you. You will be ASTOUNDED by the immediate effect Zalli has had!

Of course, you will feel so great thanks to Zalli's potent qualities that you will want to take more and lose more weight. That is fine! That will be another $200! But unfortunately in order for Zalli to work I must double the dosage and also double your amount of prep time.

But it doesn't matter because Zalli IS PROVEN EFFECTIVE! If you don't believe me, ask one of my soon to be many satisfied clients! Also, take a look at me. Don't I look good? It's all due to Zalli!

Get in line for Zalli as soon as you can. My apartment is not that large and my supplies are currently limited, until I make my next GNC run for reasons unrelated to Zalli.

Note: do not ask me how the pill works or what is in it. Asking will make you fat.

Diary Archives