Yesterday I was reading some highbrow magazines (US, Life & Style, InTouch) and realized what it is that gives these publications their gravitas. They all employ the services of certified, registered body language experts. If it wasn't for them, we readers would be at a loss about how to interpret the photos presented to us. So I decided that I too would employ a body language expert (don't ask what her name is, but know that she's witty, gorgeous, not very tall and happens to live in Chicago) to analyze some of the most viewed photos on Yahoo! News:
"At first glance, this appears to be a donkey in a well," says our expert. "However, look at the way the donkey has narrowed its eyes, the way its ears are up, and the peevish tilt of the head. My expertise tells me that this is a donkey in a well that is in distress. Perhaps he has an eating disorder."
"To the untrained eye, this looks like two cast members from 'The Sopranos' celebrating after winning an Emmy," our expert says. "However, look at the way Jaime-Lynn Sigler refuses to look at Robert Iler as she kisses him. Are they dating? Because if they are, this means all is not well. They're not? Well, she's obviously thinking, 'My ears hurt' and him, 'I wish I had shaved.'"
"The low-key, casual look of OJ Simpson in this picture shows that he's a man comfortable with himself, yet the way his hands are handcuffed behind his back indicate to me that he has been arrested," says our award-winning expert. "The pensive look of the police officer says to me, 'I am sure this man is innocent: I can't wait to process him quickly and politely and get this whole mess cleared up.' The other fellow is thinking, 'I've got the coolest sunglasses around,' but he is incorrect."
"These ice floes are beautiful," says Dr. Body Language. "But look how cold and distant they look. All is not well in paradise."
"See how this kitty is grinning so big you can barely see his eyes? That's the sign of a happy cat. He's saying, 'Whee! I love this!'"
If you're lucky, our expert will return again as soon as we can raise her speaking fee again.