My New Collection: bad sports themes

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They say in journalism that if something happens three times, then it's a trend. I'm not patient enough for that. I believe in twos. For instance, in Ireland I saw some candy on the ground and took a picture of it. Last weekend I spotted, in Evanston, a pile of Doritos sitting alone on the sidewalk along the lakefront. So I'm convinced that piles of food left on the sidewalk is the new hot thing.

But I don't have time for that now because I'm newly obsessed with cheesy vintage professional team theme songs.

It happened the other night when I was watching an episode of Late Night with Conan O'Brien. They were playing a sketch wherein Mr. Met, the mascot of the New York Mets, repeatedly and unsuccessfully tries to kill himself. The sketch wouldn't have been funny at all if it wasn't played to the soothing tunes of "Meet the Mets." I like it because it's such a civilized request. Don't bleed for the Mets. Don't scream for them. Just meet them! You'll like them!

Then, today, my boyfriend sent me the Chicago Blackhawks' (whose advertising he works on) theme song, because he knows I find it terribly amusing. It actually makes the Mets' song sound pretty catchy. "Here Come the Hawks" would maybe be a good song if it didn't sound like the theme to a horrible '70's sitcom or game show. "Take the attack, yeah!" And nothing says fierce hockey team like an extensive strings solo. There is really only way to dance to this song, too, and it's clearly guaranteed to get you punched in the face if you actually performed it at a hockey game.

It's kind of hard to specify what exactly the songs I'm looking for are. Another kind of lame theme is Steve Goodman's "Go Cubs Go" (and yes, I'm biased), but it doesn't have the cheesy suckitude that the previous examples do. While it's not exactly a rocking theme, it has a certain charm to it that I could imagine getting really, really, really drunk and swaying and singing along to, sloshing a cup of beer as I went. Meanwhile "Let's Go Go-Go White Sox" is hokey but it's at least syncopated and uptempo enough that it's singable/shoutable. It's got an old timey carnival charm but doesn't seem hopelessly out of touch with the concept of professional sports.

That's what I'm looking for: theme songs that seem so ill-conceived that it seems like they were written by people who had never seen the sport they were writing about.

So do you know of other theme songs that need to be rejoiced in their awfulness? Baseball season is almost over and if you're like me, it was a horrible season that does not need to be relived, but let's at least celebrate the crappiness. Email me your suggestions for the worst professional sports team mix tape ever: we'll enjoy it before the end of baseball season.

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