Spoil This

  • Posted on
  • in

I've mentioned that I'm not a big Sopranos fan, but I have an idea what happened last night because for some reason, unlike most people in America, I love spoilers. For things that I don't watch, of course. For big shows that other people enjoy that I don't, or horror movies, in which I want to know what horrible things happen without actually seeing it for myself, I like to know what's up. Nobody ever believes me for some reason, though, when I ask what happened. They think I must have asked that by accident, or maybe I don't really understand the power of the words I just uttered. No, I really do want to know the grand finale of this thing without seeing it.

I kind of understand why people are reluctant to tell me spoilers. They're afraid I'm one of "those spoiler people." Have you ever met one of these people? You're standing around having a normal conversation about some movie or TV show and mention a key plot point and then the spoiler person has a total meltdown. "THANKS A LOT" they huff. "I HAVEN'T WATCHED IT YET, BUT WHATEVER" (somehow they talk in all capital letters.) "Heh heh" you say, assuming they're joking but then they shoot you a withering stare to indicate they are not joking. You are the joke. You are expected to curb your conversation just in case somebody isn't in on what you're talking about. They're seriously pissed off and then I'm--I mean, uh, you--are pissed at them for being such gigantic babies.

Here's the thing. People in the position of not knowing what happened at the same time as everyone else are actually in the power position. They're the ones with Tivo or DVR or who bother to use their VCR still. They have the luxury and time not to watch these shows at the same time as everyone else, everyone who has to set their schedules around the actual airing time of these shows.

Shouldn't the people who have the luxury of watching the shows on their own schedule be the ones who go out of their way to make sure they avoid spoilers? They shouldn't put it on other people. They should be the ones avoiding conversation, or TV or radio or Internet.

And what is the statute of limitations anyway on spoilers? Am I allowed to say yet what happened at the end of "The Sixth Sense"? How about the last episode of "Seinfeld"? Have you found out yet what happened at the end of World War II? Because I really don't want to ruin it for you, that would be rude of me.

And speaking of the Greatest Generation, this may be why we're getting a reputation for taking part in such a pussy era. People used to have to grow, like victory gardens and recycle their panty hose (yuck) and pretend bravely that getting under a desk would save them from a nuclear attack. And now we have total meltdowns when we find out what did or didn't happen to Tony Soprano (oh you just won't believe it!) So fine, if you fight the good fight and still find out what happened at the end of your show, nut up and stop acting like somebody kicked your puppy. Just wait until they tape the Super Bowl and you can tell them know exactly what body part was shown or simulated before they find out for themselves. That's how real men take care of things.