Today is the day to take control.

I'm pushing the deadline for the "Finish That Film" contest to next Thursday, so tune in then to see the winner! Submit or perish!

An Epistle From Heaven

My Dear Brothers and Sisters:

Greetings from heaven!  I just wanted you to know that I did indeed make it here safe and sound, not that there was any doubt that I would.  The trip here was fast and comfortable although I am conferring with our Lord Jesus about increasing the seat width for passengers.

I do have to say that there is one major problem here in heaven, however, one that I did not foresee. It's not the lack of an actual body, or that I can (finally) look down on my congregation at night to make sure they're not doing anything filthy when they think no one is looking.

There are simply too many homosexuals, adulterers and abortionists up here.

I have been trying to speak with the Almighty God about this
situation, perhaps to see if it was done in error, or he is simply keeping them here for a little bit before he sends them to hell, but He is extremely busy and has not yet made time to see me yet, which, I confess, roils me a bit with all the work I have done for Him.

I have started a Heaven's Moral Majority in an attempt to rid Heaven of these undesirables, or at least perhaps sequester them into a particular corner, but I'm having a hard time rounding up a large enough Majority.

That is why, and I know this might sound counterintuitive to some of my teachings, I'm imploring some of my older followers to think twice before pursuing aggressive lifesaving means when you're at the hospital. Assisted suicide or euthanasia will certainly land you in hell (well, I haven't gotten confirmation on this but I still believe it strongly) but from what I can tell, nobody is going to notice if you avoid the breathing tube in the first place. I need my flock now more than ever.

Hope I see you soon!

Love in Christ,

The Rev. (Even Though I'm Not Allowed to Call Myself That Anymore, Apparently) Jerry Falwell