The Saturday Night Live Drinking Game: Paris Hilton Edition

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Today is the day to invent a new drug.

You've gotta come.

I obviously can only discuss two things lately: Paris Hilton and Saturday Night Live. So it was with a mix of horror and glee that I found out that Paris will be hosting the first episode in February. My mind swam with the possibilities. Obviously, this occasion calls for only one thing: getting drug. And thus I bring you:

The Saturday Night Live Drinking Game: Paris Hilton Edition

Anytime the word "hot" is employed: take a swig of Cristal.

Anytime Paris pretends to have a crush on Horatio Sanz or any other cast member: drink a glass of Cristal.

Anytime Paris pronounces the named of the band "Keane" incorrectly: finish the bottle and wave it around as you dance on the table.

Any time Paris Hilton portrays herself: one shot of a top-shelf liquor.

Anytime Paris Hilton portrays an heiress/rich girl/party girl/slutty girl but who is not Paris Hilton per se: two shots.

Anytime Paris Hilton plays somebody else in a sketch where the name Paris Hilton is mentioned: body shot and then a quick run to the bathroom to, uh, powder your nose.

Anytime a dog small enough to be carried in a purse appears: drink an entire Sugar-Free Red Bull and vodka.

Anytime we see any body part that might not be Super Bowl Halftime Show approved: go buy yourself a new Christian Dior purse and smoke a joint.

By the time you're finished, this will seem like the funniest episode in history.