Tips on getting or not getting pregnant

  • Posted on
  • in


Today is the day to cover your entire meal in butter.

At the Black Table, please find your guide to the week ahead.

According to a recent government study on abstinence education programs, some curricula currently teach that touching another person's genitals "can result in pregnancy." I'm glad that this is finally getting cleared up. Here are some other tips on getting or not getting pregnant:

  • Not even long-distance relationships are safe: you can get pregnant over the phone and "the internet."

  • You can get pregnant by thinking dirty thoughts, but not always by giving dirty looks.

  • If you have long, flowing hair, you are 85% more likely to get pregnant.

  • Going to church frequently decreases the likelihood of getting pregnant, unless it's one of those churches where the choir sings to electric guitar.

  • Eating too many pretzels can result in pregnancy.

  • Voting can result in pregnancy.

  • Rap music can result in pregnancy.

  • Playing "Twister" can result in pregnancy.

  • Sitting quietly is a good way to avoid pregnancy.

  • If you really really want a baby but do not want to be pregnant, kidnapping is ok.