Try these diets!!

June 17, 2004

Today is the day to salt the rim.

Buy my book!

I wrote a story about L.A. Laker Karl Malone for Barrelhouse Magazine. Remember him?

I'm not sure whether you've noticed, but there seems to be a bit of a low-carbohydrate 'sensation' sweeping the nation. Never mind that the concept of a life without [real] bread sounds like the saddest thing in the world. But can you believe this? Low-carb bread? Low-carb Coke? Low-carb beer? None of this even makes sense. We've obviously gotten to the point where diets are just a bunch of made-up rules to get people to try to follow. So before anybody comes up with the last remaining diet concepts, I'm going to claim them all for myself. Patent pending!!!

The Feng Shui Diet
Everyone knows that if the colors are not positioned correctly within your office, your chi will be messed up and you might as well burn your house down. Well, they say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, but the stomach is the house of the body. Right? You know where I'm going here. In order to maintain body balance, you need to eat the right colors. Unlucky in love? Eat pink (any pig product.) Need to concentrate? Eat something orange (orance popsicle.) Need to get to work? Go brown (brownies.) Your insides will be so in harmony you won't care how your outside works.

The Leather Diet
This is a more economical variation of a high-protein diet. Steaks can get expensive. For a lean meat banquet, head to your own closet, and check out all the animal products it has to offer. Best part: you can eat all you want!

The Kate Spade Diet
Everyone needs a partner when it comes to losing weight. Thus, when you embark on this unique program, I will smack you in the mouth with my purse after every bite you take.

The Obsessive-Compulsive Diet
Nobody wants to be round, but you can avoid it by eating round. Perfectly, exactly round. Feel free to eat all the spherical foods you want, but you had better be sure that you're positive they're exactly round. You'll be so busy going gradually insane, measuring the proportions of every cocoa puff, grape and donut hole that you won't even have time to get fat. And if you do, you can run geographically exact laps to burn off the calories.

The All-Mustache Diet
This is pretty self-explanatory. Very few trans-fats.

The Magical Diet
Magic is real, but it is not in you. It is in me, however! Email me your credit card number and I will impart upon you one of the many weight-loss spells I learned at my accredited magic college to help you stay thin and eat whatever you want.