May 26, 2004

Today is the day to wish my brother a happy birthday.

CHECK IT OUT--AMAZON FINALLY PUT MY BOOK'S ART UP! PRETTY!

The Budding Young Theologian's column is winding down, so now is the time to send in your questions about God and religion.

Dear Zulk Keeps it Up But This is the Last Column Unless You Send in Questions but if You Don't, That's Okay

Dear Zulk,

True or false: Andy Richter. What happened between spunky sidekick to Olson Twin stooge, other than a brief stopover at one of the smartest sitcoms in years? Was it the mortgage payments? Is there a lesson to be learned to aspiring whatevers?

Uh, are you asking me a true or false question? Or an essay question? Or another Olsen Twins question? Because I'd say "true," first.

Anyway, I don't think it's necessarily an Andy Richter thing. It's more of a FOX thing. FOX has a great habit of picking up smart, inventive comedies, and then a bad habit of shuffling around the schedule and losing these shows. Andy Richter Controls the Universe. Undeclared. Possibly Wonderfalls, but that wasn't even around long enough to be judged. And now possibly Arrested Development.

Never fear, however. Mr. Richter (who was also in "Cabin Boy," don't forget) will be appearing on Fox again soon, in the upcoming sitcome "Quintuplets." Or maybe it's "Septuplets." Regardless, it's a show about a family with a lot of kids and you know what that spells: hilarity!

Dear Zulk,

What is the appropriate response when you're driving along in the fast/passing lane, and you come up on someone's ass who obviously doesn't grasp the "passing lane" concept? Do you flash your lights? Make obscene finger gestures? Stay as close to their tail as possible without causing an accident? Or do you just simmer in your own disgust and anger? And is it your opinion that slow-moving vehicles in the fast lane know damn well that they have no business being there, but they do so anyway as a form of sick entertainment and fun to elicit a reaction from road ragers? Why, why do they do this to me? WHY?

Well as tempting as it is to flash your lights, we all know that this is verboten, as it's probable that if you do it, this person will follow you home and shoot you, as we all know.

So. Here is what I do. I yell at the person encouraging messages with my windows up, like "Come onnnnn!" and "Come onnnnnn, you so-and-so!" Only maybe so-and-so is replaced by something else, not sure.

Then, eventually, an opening will appear in the slow lane, and you grab it, quite pointedly gunning your engine so you can pass back in front of the slow-ass.

The most important part is to take a look at the offending driver, because this will explain it all. If the driver looks old, ugly, fat, ethnic, stupid, bitchy or some variation, it will 'make sense,' but also make you upset. If it's a relatively normal looking person, that person will inevitably look back at you as you look at them, and you'll think, "Why is that jerk looking at me?"

Works every time!

*******

I will not be joining you tomorrow, and I have probably the best excuse I've ever come up with. Around 4:30 CST I will be undergoing the laser for some vision correction. So, like, at night, I won't be able to see? To type? Is that okay? Geez.

Stay busy, though. The BYT is on his last burst so send any theology questions this way.

And what's with obese people? They're nuts! Read the bottom of this and send me fat fiction.send me fat fiction.

"See" you later. Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!