Rank: Ways of Crying at the Movies

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November 13, 2003

Today is the day to join the flea circus.


If you're looking for the Paris Hilton parody and are unhappy to have stumbled across this page back in action in its regularly schedule programming, then click here, you degenerate. If you'd like to learn more about the guys who made the movie, and I think you should, click here.

Wednesdays, usually, I rank things. Today is Thursday. It's a topsy turvy world, you know?

Rank: Ways of Crying at the Movies

  1. Beautiful/Proud Crying. This is something that only happens in the movies or at the movies, when, of course, nobody is looking at you to see how pretty you look as the tears roll down your otherwise composed face. "O Captain, my captain..." it's touching, isn't it? Yes. Back to business, you gentle rock, you. Downside: You sort of hope that person you like turns to you and sees you weeping beauteously but then you realize that they're probably not going to be as impressed as they should be.
  2. Sloppy faced sobbing. They killed Ole Yeller and you're a snot nosed, weeping fool. That's okay, though, get it out, big fella. Downside: When the lights come up, you feel kind of sheepish.
  3. Forced crying. Julia Roberts is about to die, with Dolly Parton, Dylan McDermot and Sally Field by her side and the tears aren't coming. You know they should be, so you think about sad stuff, like the end of the world or your lost earring or "Ole Yeller," and you squeeze a few out. Downside: You feel like a jerk.
  4. Pretend crying. You really want Leonardo to go ahead and fall off that raft and slide into the cold Atlantic but your girlfriends are going to call you a Communist if you do anything less than act like your dog has been shot, so you sniffle a little bit and maybe emit a small "Bwuh huh huh." Downside: Not only do you feel like a jerk, you are a jerk. Who cares if you cry?
  5. Crying because the person next to you stabbed you in the leg with a sharp pencil at the movie theater. This time, you have a real reason to cry. Downside: You need to do a better job picking your seats at the theater.