December 2 , 2002

Today is the day to know that the poodle is the black man of the dog world.

Some of you may ask how it is possible that the proprietess of this website can claim to never having any cavities. Well, take good notes, boys and girls, the answer lies here, captured on exclusive footage by one intrepid Mr. Wakiza Gamez.

I recently had the following conversation with a close girlfriend of mine, who was marveling to me over the duration of affection and love her longtime beau and she had for each other.

ME: Well, I'd better be a bridesmaid at your wedding!

FRIEND: Oh, Claire, you'd be a bridesmaid at my wedding, no matter who I marry!

I do not claim to speak for all, or even the majority of women, but a lot of girls think about their wedding than they may let on. Not necessarily about the guy, or the marrige itself, but just the wedding. The rest are all incidentals.

I have friends who, even though they're not at all close to an engagement, or even saying "I love you," know exactly what kind of ring, dress, flowers, music, reception and even food will feature at their nuptials.

A major element of this, however, is the constantly rotating list of bridesmaids.

Consider it a mental inventory of who your good friends are versus who your friends are.

Hmm, I haven't heard from Suzy in four months, so it looks like she'll just be invited instead of being a bridesmaid. I really love Henrietta, but I know that I'll have to include my cousins in the party, so I wonder how she'll take it when I tell her that she can't be a bridesmaid. I really don't know Tiffanee that well, but she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids, so it looks like she's in. But what about Mildred? God, this is so hard!

Those of us who do it understand the idiocy of such an action. What if you never get married? What if, by the time you find that special guy, you just want a justice of the peace? What if all your friends, sick of your moronic planning for the future, abandon you?

Some may attribute it to the huge productions that weddings have become these days, but maybe a good deal with it is just a sort of leftover from the grade school days. I remember back in sixth grade or so, a friend of mine came up to me and said, "Claire, So-and-So is my first best friend, Blah-Blah is my second best friend, You-Know-Who is my third best friend, and you're my fourth best friend!" Despite being overcome by the dizzying joy of being ranked #4, I was impressed by her organization. The bridesmaid issue might be just an attempt to keep your ducks in a row. Not that girls have a vicious need to keep one on top of another, but friendships can be like the stock market. You put in what you can and hope to get out something good, but you have to check in every once in a while to see if you need to pull out and sell.

Or maybe it's just reassuring to think that, no matter if, when, and to whom you get married, it's nice to think that your very best and dearest friends will be there to help you do it. Wearing pretty dresses.

Oh, and all of you will be my bridesmaids, I promise. As for me, I look good in most colors except beige, and I'll be happy to carry any kind of flower.

Except carnations.