November 27, 2002
Today is the day to try the White Castle Slyder detox diet.
Well, Thanksgiving is upon us, and it's time for us to give thanks for the silly things in life, because the big things are such a drag. I'll be taking a break tomorrow and Friday for Thanksgiving. For those of you out-of-towners (i.e. cuckoo-crazy foreigners), I apologize for this unwarranted break, but if it means anything to you, I am very thankful for you. Ha! Bear the wrath of the thankful American! Many thanks to my contributors for their speediness and willingness to put up with my cajoling.
And now, without further ado:
Small Thanks for This Thanksgiving
I am thankful for:
1) Waitresses that recognize you the second time you come into their restaurant and know that you want iced tea, no straw, and that you don't want your credit card receipt.
2) Power drills.
3) Rooms that are a color (say, red) that have matching curtains and matching furniture and when you go down the hall towards the room, the door into it is also that same color.
So I am grateful for learning that oatmeal really does taste better with a pinch of salt. It says so on the box, but I never tried it until this week. There will be those (maybe even you) that disagree but they are wrong.
My Zodiac biker boots (recently purchased on ebay):
black suede lace-ups with rose medallions at the heel.
Mojitos from Pete's Candy Store
The person who repaired the continually screeching
turnstile on the Manhattan-Bound side of the Graham
Avenue L Station
The Big Star song "Thank You Friends," from Third/Sister
Lovers, and that fact that I can listen to it at work.
I am thankful for...
The most flattering color, black.
Step Five, Secret Weapon, of the John Frieda line of Frizz Ease hair care products.
Lycra and other clothing materials not made by nature.
Indoor plumbing, hot water, central heat and air conditioning.
Low rise pants.
Chex Mix, coffee, beer, and alcoholic beverages in general
I am thankful for:
- My Marijuana Delivery service, because they're the most conclusive evidence
of continuing human evolution that I can find in this world.
- AOL Instant Messenger, because it is apparently my art form of choice.
- Cashmere. Enough said.
- My cellphone, because it allows me to be 20 minutes late to everything.
- When celebrity
couplings give me ideas
And when life gets me down, I always think "at least your eyes are in sync and you're not attracted to children." So I'm thankful for that, too.
1. Thank-you for computers, because without 'em, where would my time go? Without computers I would be forced to exercise, or go out and play "nice" with others, amongst other things.
2. Thank-you for money. Most say it's the root to all evil-well, who cares! I can buy goodness with money! I just need more of it.
3. Thank-you for the extinction of dinosaurs; they would probably rule over us "homo-sapiens" and eat my off my head. Especially the T-Rex. I bet he'd hate me cause I'd always be making fun of his arms.
4. This is the last and most important thing I am thankful for. Socks... but not just any kind of sock: brand new, freshly bought, right out of the package socks. 'Cause that is the best feeling in the world, in my humble opinion.
2) My daughter's Hello Kitty CD player, without which we would have no music
3) My flannel sheets that keep me warm and toasty on these cold, winter nights and mornings
4) SpongeBob SquarePants, for giving my daughter and me a reason to laugh our asses off together
5) Hole's Live Through This, which serves as a reason to scream at the top of my lungs without scaring myself.
I am thankful for:
Midwest Express Airlines: free wine, big seats, plenty of leg room, and direct flights (sometimes) from Boston to Kansas City. Getting from my hometown to my home and back is so much better with Midwest Express. If they want to pay me to do a commercial or testimonial ad, I'm available.
The New York Times online: Not only is it my primary source of news (aside from zulkey.com), but it is the Web site that I visit most frequently (aside from zulkey.com), and the way that I pass the day when I don't want to think about work (when I'm not reading and praising zulkey.com).
The Harvard Book Store and Brookline Booksmith: I spend money like Noelle Bush, but not on big rocks of crack; I spend it on books. These two stores allow my sick and dangerous addiction to pass as culture. Bless them for facilitating my disease.
Because of Google and imdb.com,
I never have to wonder about anything for more than a minute anymore. And
they both weigh less than The Columbia Encyclopedia.
And contain references to Six String
I was so grateful - and amazed - to find "stringless" sugar snap peas at the supermarket today, since they will cut down Thanksgiving food prep by a good 20 minutes. But I wonder if we all won't be victims of some bio-techno-engineering fiendish plot.
Stuff I'm thankful for:
Cocaine: I don't care what the so-called "experts" say. Of all
the things I've stuffed up my nose, it's hands down the most enjoyable so
Bacon: If I had the time, I'd fry up 74 pieces of bacon, lay it across my bed, and sleep on it. Then I'd wake up and eat it. Mmmm.
Vulvas: Well, this is obvious...|
Mexicans: Just a lovely, lovely race and beautiful language. Vamos a subirnos la montana rusa? Si. Just wonderful.
I am thankful for Frequent Flier programs, because free upgrades are the only time I feel superior to everyone else around me.
Two things I am most thankful for this afternoon, twodays before Thanksgiving 2002:
1) I saw "Erin Brockovich" last night on television -- and wow! --they actually filmed and then left in the scene where she is driving back home and talking on her cell phone to her boyfriend, and he is telling her about her daughter saying her first word "ball" earlier that
day. The camera stays on Erin's beaming face as her boyfriend goes on for ten or fifteen seconds of descriptive dialogue, the words producing an image within the visual image on the film. Film people letting language work -- now that would be a nice trend to see.
2) I also remain thankful for the hope I continue to see in my operating system -- which wouldbe that stalwart of computer programming "Windows ME" (which would be "stalwart" in the sense of "a wart that periodically sits there, doing nothing"). Aftertwo download fixes, my Windows has crashed (a "freezing willy" or "I am blue screen system failure, please remove your boot") only 97 times so far in 2002. I remain optimistic. Not optimistic that it will ever be sound; or that something called "XP" (as in software that claims it is "no longer pee") is actually better; or that one day Microsoft will stop thinking it can sell defective products just because it controls the market. No. After seeing a movie about the bad guys getting theirs, I'm optimistic that one day there might be a class-action lawsuit for the years of frustration, aggravation, and lost time (as in "$$$ billions") experienced by millions of users; and Mr. Gates will have to return his bananas; and the world will be safe, again, from the bad gorillas.
Im thankful that both of my neighbors teenage sons broke their wrists in a Jackass stunt gone wrong, and thus are unable to throw rocks at me from their yard.
Jane Irony Doe:
I'm thankful for...
- Our new wooden fence, which has resulted in us reclaiming our privacy
from our nosy well-meaning neighbors.
- My new boss, who hired me away from the department I was about to quit
and rekindled my love for graphic design. And also he introduced me to the
Mac and the new OSX. Heaven in
a silver box.
- My new coworkers, who make every work day enjoyable and fun and are so
patient and helpful.
(I really mean those last two, strange as it may sound).
- New friends I made this year: Meredith and Caitlin who I'll meet in person
for the first time next week and Ed and his wife Barb, who I met earlier
this year and are amazing.
- Vanilla Coke, just
- The movies Amelie and
Hedwig and the Angry Inch for
reminding me what it's all about and never losing their elements of wonderment
- My boyfriend, who is so much more than a boyfriend to me and inspires
me to be a better person every day, even when I'm moody and bloated and
don't give a rat's ass about the rest of the world.
- Dr. David T. Wise, veterinarian, for saving my cat's life this summer.
I'm thankful for roommates who provide me 'lullabies' to fall asleep to at night.
I'm thankful for White Castle because they help "hair of the dog" after a night of hard and sneaky, margaritas (and they give you a WHOLE other set of problems to take your mind off of your hangover)
I'm thankful for roommate bonding and Nestle pull-apart chocolate chip fudge cookies
I'm thankful I can give my roommates "lullabies" they can fall asleep to.
I'm thankful for velcro and razors that make smooth heads.
I'm thankful my management company fixed all of the little pesky things going wrong in my bathroom within 24 hours
I'm thankful that things always change
. . . Vaseline because it is the best thing in the world for lips, chapped or not. I am especially grateful to my intern from Ireland, David, who brought me over the little blue container of Vaseline (cannot be found on this side of the Atlantic) so I no longer have to walk around with a whole tub. The tube of Vaseline just doesn't cut it.
. . . Q-Tips, both for their normal function of ear cleansing after the
shower and for makeup application for when I get mascara all over my
. . . Lancome Definicils Mascara.
. . . New York tap water. Contrary to what outsiders may believe, it is very good and it is responsible for our superior pizza and bagel quality.
. . . balloons.
Lauren Christina Talcott:
At this moment, i am particularly thankful for things that come in pairs, but not binaries like good/evil, deal/alive. No, more like:
My naturally curly hair... and my blue-handled
Goody scissors, with which to lop off
my curls when Ii feel like giving myself a haircut.
Starting the coffee first thing in the morning... and taking it to go in my thermos cup.
Making my lunch the night before, a la Liz McArdle... and packing it a dorky insulated lunch bag, green or blue, either one.
My current roommates... and my old ones
Paris... Washington, DC
Sara's market on Q Street... and 7-11 on P street
Dogs... and people who love dogs
Democracy... and the hope that Democrats will get their act together next time
Living only 20 minutes from my parents... and feeling likeI live worlds away
Here's what I'm thankful for (aside from all that other crap):
- Almay One Coat mascara.
I'm one of those people that rarely leaves the house without mascara on.
- Soy ice cream.
- Unsharp mask in Photoshop.
- Twinings Earl Grey Tea. With an
eensy bit of soymilk and honey. Every day.
- My new hat. It is fluorescent salmon-colored and has been dubbed the Rasta Granny hat. (visit here to see said hat.)
I am thankful for:
Metabolife (When the burger fat is getting me down)
The Internet (We wouldn't have Zulkey.com without it)
Yellow Highlighters (You have no idea how much I use these)
Babies (If I ever get rich and famous and Barbara Walters interviews me and asks me what the best thing in the world is, I will answer, "babies.")
Alcoholic Beverages (the good book praises "wine that makes the heart of mortal man rejoice." Also, the Apostle Paul advised Timothy to "have a little wine for the sake of your stomach and your frequent cases of illness." The foregoing was my personal effort to keep the spiritual side of the day alive. Also to drop some mad science on y'all that Apostle Paul and Timothy, buddy of the apostles, was down with the scrizzew caps and the light buzz. Praise the Lord and pass the Boone's Farm.)
Music (Especially girls with guitars, who will always have a special place in my heart. Special proviso:I am not particularly thankful for the Insane Clown Posse.)
Claire Zulkey, my mentor.
Okay, so I talked about Thanksgiving with the kids at the preschool I work at today and asked them what they were
thankful for. I received answers such as:
- "I'm thankful for my mom giving me stuff. Like this
Chapstick." (pulls a tube of chapstick from his pocket
to show everyone.)
- "I'm thankful for dogs."
- "I'm thankful for pinecones and feathers."
As for me, I'm thankful for naptime. Blessed, blessed nap time. Oh, and Nyquil
(it gets the kids to sleep fast.)